The other night I stepped out of my bed and onto my floor, because in my house I do all my own stunts.
And as soon as my heel touched the floor, something stabbed me in the #$^&%&$%^&$%^&%^ foot! So I immediately fell back in bed and looked down at the floor… but there was nothing there…
And I checked my foot, which was bleeding a lot of my foot-blood from this tiny little pinprick wound. And it should be noted that it’s actually pretty hard to make the bottom of a human foot bleed, because that skin is super thick and indestructible. Yet somehow the NOTHING on my floor had accomplished it.
Soooo, I got down (carefully) on the ground and checked under the bed for whatever tiny little ass-hat had just stabbed me, but there was truly nothing there.
I got out my flash light and checked the ground again, even though I’d just swept this floor an hour before, and also my eyes work and they were pretty confident in the nothing they were seeing.
But still, my foot was bleeding, and logic demands that every EFFECT have a CAUSE. With that in mind, I’m pretty sure that the culprit has to be one of these options:
[Option #1] Scorpions. Lightning fast, non-desert, ninja scorpions that sit beside people’s beds and wait for their moment of attack. Because, as every one knows, scorpions are notorious assholes.
[Option #2] My house is haunted by the ghost of a porcupine who is most active between the hours of 8:00-10:00pm.
[Option #3] The CIA planted a needle, untraceable to the naked eye, on my floorboard. A needle that will (and did) inject a tracking device into my person.
[Option #4] There is a homeless person living under my house, who sporadically stabs tiny knives through the flooring. Admittedly, this one is unlikely because the house is on a concrete foundation.
[Option #5] Somebody broke into my house, shattered something, then replaced it but did a terrible job of cleaning up the glass shards.
[Option #6] I have a rare disease that makes me feel phantom stabbings, but only on sporadic occasions.
[Option #7] Spontaneous FOOT STIGMATA
[Option #8] One of my enemies (I have 3 to date) fashioned a shiv out of ice, snuck into my home, and left it in wait by my bedside. I stepped on their vile weapon, which of course melted leaving no evidence.
[Option #9] Someone somewhere has a Tracy voodoo doll, and I offended them that night with one of my various shenanigans. Side note to the holder of the doll: stabbing someone in the foot is a dick move!
But I think the most likely culprit is………….
[Option #10] There is a tiny spider in my home with a shiv fastened to its back that is lurking in the shadows, and he has been planning this moment for months, avenging the dozens of his brethren that I slaughtered when I first moved in. This seems the most likely option, seeing as this was not my first run in with a devious spider out to destroy me: [post: Breaking and Entering}
So, I sprayed enough raid around the house to kill the next 18 generations of spiders stupid enough to make an attempt on my life again.
Then, I grabbed a sharpie and I drew a circle around the foot wound, because once the bleeding stopped it was impossible to see. Then I wrote a note on the bottom of my foot (this is all 100% true), that said “If I die tonight and you can’t figure out what killed me, somebody should look into the foot stabbing that went on here tonight. Everyone is a suspect!”