for a rainy day

Breaking and Entering

He came into my house!

My residence, where I’m supposed to feel safe and protected from the outside world. My fortress of solitude and oasis from the dangers of the world. That safety has been violated.

He broke into my home! What kind of slimy bastard does that?

I didn’t notice him right away when I entered. I went about my business, unpacking groceries and getting dinner started. It was a few moments before I felt his eyes on me, heavy and threatening. I broke out in cold sweats knowing I wasn’t alone. Somebody is here.

I tried to stay calm, hoping to not alert the intruder that I was aware of his presence. I looked around for a weapon but came up empty.

Slowly I turned and met the eyes of my attacker, across the room watching me with his bloodthirsty stare.

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That bastard was in my home! Is nothing sacred? He broke into my sanctuary with the intent to kill and cause me bodily harm…

I panicked. Fight or Flight? I opted for flight. After all I am a mere mortal and not equipped to fight a blood thirsty fiend. Besides, he had me at a clear disadvantage seeing as I’m not able to scale a f**king wall!!!

I ran into the bedroom, throwing myself down in front of the door and promptly sobbing, praying that if this was how it all ended for me that God would take me quick!

The panic clawed at my throat, telling me this was it; this is how I am taken out of this world. The only real way to drive out the beast was with a cleansing fire, burning the entire building to the ground…but I don’t have renter’s insurance so that was relegated to Option B.

The room outside was quiet…eerily quiet. My foe was clearly a clever hunter, biding his time and perfecting his attack. I decided to also prepare for our looming battle, donning my warrior gear.

Yeah, it's a Panda onesie.  And it makes me feel powerful.

Yeah, it’s a Panda onesie. And it makes me feel powerful.

[You:“But Tracy, why do you have a knife in your room?” Tracy:“Mind your business.”]

I couldn’t take the maddening silence anymore, so I threw open the door and burst into the room.

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Looking back to the wall I took aim…but he wasn’t there.

Panic coursed through my veins at the realization that my foe had cloaked himself from my view and had outsmarted me. I could feel his bazillion murderous eyes on me, but I didn’t see him anywhere! Until…

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There he was, poised over me, ready to attack.

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I broke into a scream and started flailing about (just like they teach you in self defense class), and then took aim with the intent to kill.

Dousing the entire ceiling in the toxic bug spray I screamed obscenities at the beast and all of it’s children that I was hopefully orphaning at the moment. “Screw you Charlotte! Get off my damn ceiling! How dare you come in here trying to kill me in my own home! Burn in hell creature!!!”

What I forgot to take into account was GRAVITY. See if you can follow this progression:

  1. Spider clings to ceiling with weird sticky-Velcro feet
  2. Spider is doused with poison, stunning him into disengaging from ceiling
  3. Gravity works
  4. Spider falls on victim below
  5. Victim goes bat shit crazy swatting at skin and jumping around apartment

When I calmed down and realized the beast wasn’t feasting on my sweet throat blood, I surveyed the room, finding him on the floor eyeing me with his hatred and hunger for my soul. But alas, my assault had put us on even footing. “Not so sneaky when you aren’t climbing on the walls and dive bombing people from the ceiling, are you jerk-hole?”

So we faced off, like in a duel from the Old West. Both of us un-moving, trying to gauge which of us would be quicker on the draw. We sized each other up, and came out pretty equally:

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Finally when I couldn’t stand the tension of the stand-off anymore, we set to battle.

It was close, and he was formidable, but in the end I am a f**king survivor and my desire to live brought out the champion in me.

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I chose to leave his body on display for all of his family to behold should they choose to enact a similar attack. The mounted corpse sends the message “This woman here is a damn Viking warrior! Enter at your own risk mo-fo!” This would be the place his body stayed entombed for all of eternity so any of his comrades who came in here with the intent of murdering me would see their fate!

…but then my roommate came home and told me that’s creepy and I had to take him down…

All the same, BE WARNED SPIDERS!

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This entry was published on September 29, 2014 at 5:08 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “Breaking and Entering

  1. Pingback: There Will Be Blood | ...for a rainy day...

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