So last week I had a migraine. No literally, it was a week-long, 7 day migraine. And because my inner ear is all damaged from almost daily ear infections when I was little, I now have Vertigo which likes to trigger any time my head hurts. So the end result of this is that I was down (literally) for four days where it hurt to stand and breathe. In that down time of drug-induced care I had a great many thoughts, none of them totally lucid. And I saved them for you!
Saturday- Day 1
Started watching Brooklyn Nine Nine… loved it and ended up binge watching the entire season (which is why this post will be illustrated with nothing but Brooklyn Nine Nine gifs)
It’s phenomenal btw. Gina is the best thing in my life in this moment and now I want a wolf blanket
Announced that I can’t stand any more terrible Hulu commercials. Then, as if by magic, the commercials stopped ALL DALY! For real, hour after hour of uninterrupted TV. Decided I was definitely a wizard.
Took a Benadryl and then took a bath. I don’t recommend it. (Having said that for legal reasons incase somebody does it and dies, I totally recommend it! I’ve never been so relaxed in my life!). Besides, I like to think my roommate would check on me if I didn’t come out after 3 hours
Sunday- Day 2
Woke up and my hip was super achy from so much non-moving and weird position-laying the day before.
Wondered if my hip hurting was a sign of a degenerative disease
Decided I am invincible and will never die
Seriously thought I was dying
My body broke into an all out brawling argument. My kidney’s demanded to know why I was drinking so much and yet peeing so little. My achy limbs tried to stage an intervention with my brain, which was imploding and cutting off all the life force within me. My heart kept trying to mediate, pumping blood to the limbs who were staying motionless out of protest until everybody started working together coherently again like the f-ing team we’re supposed to be.
Went outside to let my dog go to the bathroom and regretted every second of the standing
Tried to logic with my dog to please pee faster for the love of God!
Called my mom to tell her that I love her and she should remember me the way I was
Monday- Day 3
Woke up and got ready for work in slow motion (to avoid angering whatever was eating my brain)
Went to work even though I definitely shouldn’t have been driving, because I make terrible decisions
Offered sacrifices at the time clock at work, found out I had a crap ton of sick leave, then promptly went home
Got back into bed and resumed the Brooklyn Nine Nine; felt good about the turn my day took regardless of the throbbing inside of my cranium
Watched this scene 1,000 times:
Wondered why I couldn’t get a cool sexy disease that made me lose 30 lbs in a day
Wondered if they would name this disease after me. [“My brain hurts when I try to go about the normal tasks of my day and the only cure is laying in bed watching TV”, “Hmmm, sounds like you’ve got a case of the Tracys”]
I’m freezing…I’m sweating…Now I’m freezing again…nope, I’m sweating. Damn you body, pick a temperature! I am trying to help you but you have to decide what you want!
Looked on WebMD, where the answer is always cancer
Looked up symptoms of Ebola because everybody keeps talking about it. Found out it has literally the exact same symptoms as every other sickness, including the flu, so that’s not helpful.
Listened to this song raglan road 1000x, decided Ashley will sing it at my funeral based on a morbid arrangement we’ve had since high school
My friend Angie whose one of the smartest people I know said I probably have cholera. I believe she’s right. That sounds romantic and tragic, like the disease should come with a grizzled loner with a dark past and misunderstood tortured soul, and we fall in love while a train passes in the background, churning up steam that doesn’t make my hair frizz at all. Good call Angie! It’s almost definitely cholera.
Tuesday- Day 4
Woke up and showered, and used all of my remaining life strength to not collapse in the shower. Mostly all that drove me forward was my constant fear that dying in the shower is how I go out of this world, and the paramedics will find me all naked and soapy, drowned in a few inches of water. It’s a real fear.
Decided that if I wasn’t strong enough for a shower I probably shouldn’t go out into the world in a car.
Got back in bed.
Looked at my blog stats a lot, and felt sad that nobody loved me, then remembered I hadn’t posted anything new to be liked, took some more medicine, and went to sleep dreaming of riding the dog dragon from the never ending story
Took all the meds I had because I’m fiscally responsible and don’t believe in waste. Your welcome, Earth!
Wondered if this was how Neely O’Hara got hooked on the dolls. Maybe she wasn’t an addict, but just came down with a case of the Tracys. (Can you please really use that term! It just feels right)
Cursed medicine companies for their packaging. Why is medicine so hard to get open? It’s like being taunted when you’re at your weakest. Childproofed caps and individually wrapped pills are just mean.
Watched all the Bob’s Burgers episodes on Netflix, and laughed so hard my body actually got mad at me for the copious levels of pain I was causing it by laughing so hard. But then I reminded my body that, “hey, f**k you! If you don’t want to hurt then get your act together and stop being sick, you jerk!”
The migraine and dizziness continued for exactly one week, but days 5, 6 & 7 were spent in the real world, curled up in the fetal position at my desk where I could garner the appropriate amount of sympathy from passers-by. After all, if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound? And if a girl is sick at home without anyone to hear her complaining, will anyone give her sympathy and orange juice?