Growing up we learn certain lessons, usually taught to us through music and puppets. Lessons like “Don’t run with scissors”, “Sharing is caring”, and “Don’t grab the dog’s tail because he will bite you…are you crying?…did you grab the dog’s tail?…You did…well I told you he would bite you…are you bleeding?…well maybe next time you’ll listen…Tracy, did you just grab the dog’s tail again?…go to your room…no, leave the dog here.”
But there are other lessons that should be taught to us, but that nobody bothers to inform us of. Lessons on being an adult. It’s as if an entire generation of adults got together and decided, “Nah, let’s not tell them what’s coming. Let’s let them make it through college and then find this stuff out the hard way”. And then I’m sure they laughed and twirled their mustaches. But jokes on you, former generation, because it’s that approach that gave us hipsters. Are you happy now, because you did this to us!
Was I making a point…oh yeah, lessons that we should have been taught as children to better prepare us for the world. Don’t worry parents, I’ve mapped it out for you incase you want to let your children in on the secrets. And in keeping with the way I learn all important lessons, I’ve done it with the alphabet.
So let’s do this thing!
A is for…
Alimony—I’m not that old and yet a crap ton (official metric measurement) of the people MY AGE are divorced! How does that happen? I’m still enjoying the selfishness of my 20’s and you guys have already gotten married and divorced? Am I falling behind because I feel like I just got lapped? Should I be going through a messy divorce right now? Dare to dream. Nah, I’ll keep being selfish for a few more years.
B is for…
Binging—Hang on, I mean on Netflix, so let’s just put a hold on the intervention. Binge Watching is like a detox for your life, and it’s a beautiful thing.
C is for…
Caffeine—your body now requires it. Imagine your body is one of those sad little rusted rides in front of the grocery store, and caffeine is the quarter that makes the ride come to life. Wow, that is a spot on analogy, yeah me! (literally pats herself on the back)
D is for…
Dancing—but it’s at home now because you’ve realized you don’t look like you thought you did at the club. You think you look like this:
But you actually look like this:
E is for…
Energy—you don’t have it anymore, but lucky for you it comes in pill and liquid form. So grab an upper or a Red Bull, or both if you’re really broken and then you can carry on with life. But be careful, because sometimes this happens:
F is for…
F**K IT—a phrase you need to use occasionally. When stressing about an issue isn’t helping, this phrase is like the grown up equivalent of Bippity-Boppity-Boo for solving your problems.
G is for…
Gym—because my metabolism is made of false hope and disappointment. And so the gym beckons, with its bad lighting, mirrored walls, and scary body builders who look like they can rip your spinal cord out of your body.
H is for…
Homeowner’s Association—they’re like Nazis, but with pearls and Dockers. You know, it’s possible that this wasp stereotype came mostly from the Stepford Wives and a truly terrifying neighborhood watch lady growing up.
I is for…
Ice Cream—you can eat it for dinner now. In fact, occasionally I do just that in honor of the little girl who always dreamed that such a thing was possible.
J is for…
Jerks—they’re everywhere and you just have to learn to coexist. My personal coping technique is heavily jaded, thinly veiled sarcasm delivered with a huge smile. You see, personality baffles the jerk, leaving them off balance and vulnerable to other predators. And if that doesn’t work…
K is for…
Kale—apparently this is what adults eat? Or at least that’s what every recipe tells me. It tastes like sad but based on the way the health-fanatics sing about it I’m assuming it brings immortality? Like the food equivalent of being bitten by a vampire?
L is for…
Loans—particularly of the student variety. Now that you’re done with school and have been tossed out into the world with a major you hate, you have to start paying that money back. Student loans might be the biggest scam in the world: you pay a school to let you go to classes…you know, those things you’ve hated for the past K-12 years. Then they give you a piece of paper that essentially says you’ve read a lot of poetry and learned enough psychology to diagnose your friends, and with that paper you have to beg for a job that in no way lines up with your major. And now you owe 50 bajillion American dollars and you make minimum wage. Was this a really expensive life lesson?
M is for…
Money—it’s an urban legend. Legend says that it exists but like the Loch Ness Monster sightings are rare.
N is for…
Narnia—it’s not real, but you still hope and check the back of every wardrobe you come across.
O is for…
Overdrawn—it happens. And can I just say that this company who sends out junk mail in those little tear-away envelopes that look like the overdrawn notices you get form the bank, you should be ashamed of yourselves for the panic attack I get every time I see your damn envelope in my mailbox. You have taken YEARS off of my life with the instant panic. This should be illegal! And if I ever meet the PR jerk-hole who came up with that idea I will end you.
P is for…
Pinterest—This is where we all plan a life totally different than the one we’re living, littered with refurnished furniture and perfect children, complete with random quotes hanging around to remind you to “Shoot for the moon and if you miss you’ll fall among the stars” or “Smile because someone’s falling in love with your smile.”
Here is one that I made for you:
Pinterest is like the staging area for your life.
Q is for…
Quiet time—it’s important!
R is for…
Responsibilities—they never end. Like the heads of a Hydra, as soon as you cut one off 3 more grow back.
S is for…
Snuggie—don’t judge it until you try it! Yes, it is ridiculous, but that doesn’t make it any less snuggle-tastic. Personally I have a Snugglet, made by the Swedish wizards at IKEA, and it is fantastic. It’s like a blanket hoodie and it is magnificent.
T is for…
Time Management—you’ll never get it right. In fact, you’re already behind schedule. Well, not you specifically, because you’re reading this blog, which means you make great life choices and are managing your time perfectly. You are as wise as you are lovely, and you look like you’ve lost weight. And also, I love you!
U is for…
Underwear—the only thing I wear while in my house, where pants are optional and life is happy. When I lived alone I kept the hamper by the front door so I could be sans-pants as soon as I entered the house. Of course now that I have a roommate and giant windows I have to be a bit more stealthy. But that’s okay, because I have risen to the challenge.
V is for…
Vacation Days—like a pot of gold at the end of the freaking rainbow! They are valuable and are to be treasured, never squandered.
W is for…
Weekend—the Holy Grail of Life!
X is for…
Xanax—come to me all you heavy laden with troubles and anxiety disorders, and I will bear your burden. For your struggle is fierce, but my pill will make you not care about anything…except for Doctor Who. Xanax should come with a DVD box set of Doctor Who.
Y is for…
“Young at Heart”—people say it with a happy smile, but we all know you’re saying I’m not acclimating properly to adulthood…and you’re not wrong there.
Z is for…
Zoolander—because it is the best part of our past, and because nothing else starts with “Z”. And also Zoolander should be rewatched often. (Sarah Begbie, how many times did we watch this movie? 70 billion at least)
And those are the life lessons that we should have been taught.
Take us out Elmo
for a rainy day 
So many of these apply to my life MS. Combs… And I know the scary neighborhood watch lady from our youth… I knew her well, I believe I babysat for her, and she really didn’t like the dead deers my dad would string up in front of our house, apparently it was traumatizing to the children getting off the bus, she says traumatizing I say life lesson. Zoolander is the best, we watched is so much I believe it was somehow put into my DNA so all my children were born with the ability to create the perfect blue steal face and to this day I will not make a left turn into traffic, but rather take an absently long route so that u only have to turn right.. Don’t judge me it works.