Welcome back! So I’m not dead yet and I also haven’t been reported missing… did a few of you just lose a bet?
When we last were here Tracy was a week into homelessness, but was too stupidly optimistic about life to be worried. Let’s see how she’s faring this week:
Homeless Log, Day #8
I am freaking the f**k out! Did you know there are only 31 days in a month and I have already lost 7 of those doing stupid things like eating, sleeping and enjoying life? Where do I get off ENJOYING LIFE? Next time one of you sees me smiling, whip a battery at me to remind me that I’m supposed to be solemn while I get my life together.
Because do you know what happens at the end of this month? I am turning 30! And I am actually REALLY excited about my 30’s because they are going to be INCREDIBLE! My 20’s were exhausting, but this new decade is like my promised land where nobody judges me for going to bed early and wearing comfortable pants, and I can say things to a restaurant hostess like, “You see those college kids over there—yeah, could you seat us as far away from them as possible.” That is the dream!
But the only small downside of this wondrous milestone from which this tired, cynically-adorable caterpillar will emerge from her cocoon as a care fee, yoga-pants-in-public-wearing, “no I’m not coming out tonight, but thank you for asking” butterfly… is that when I turn 30 I will be homeless.
In just a few weeks I will be a 30 year old homeless woman.
I am truly batting 1000 in life right now. Yup… everything will… probably… mostly… maybe? be okay…
Do we all feel like this post has come true yet?: BARBIE DREAM HOUSE EVICTION NOTICE
Homeless Log, Day #9
Okay, I am feeling much calmer today. You know, there are thousands of ways for this whole situation to work out. I have a lot of wonderful things in the works right now, and a job that I love, family and friends that are incredible and so many wonderful things in my life. Whew, you know what- everything is going to be okay and—OWWWW!!!! F*CK!!! Did somebody just throw a battery at me?
Homeless Log, Day #10
I found something. Now, I don’t want to definitely say that this product revolutionizes the world, but I’m not NOT saying that:
Who needs an apartment when I can turn the backseat of my car into a bed? This changes everything! If I can get a hot plate that can be run through the cigarette port then I will truly be set. And then add some soft blankets, and of course twinkle lights for ambiance… and that just sounds delightful! It’s like Tracy’s own mobile shanty town!
Homeless Log, Day #11
I have a nephew who I love more than life. And those aren’t just pretty words anymore because I just backed them up. My sweet little 5 year old nephew (and the love of my life) was having his first ever school fundraiser and he was SOOO excited! So of course I promised him that I would buy something, although those words came out of my mouth about 2 weeks ago when I still had a house. But there was no going back, because look at the sweet perfection of this child:
That damn cherub face gets me every time. Not to mention, he learned his manipulation skills from me. So I promised to buy some cookie dough and wrapping paper and then two minutes later I was $40 poorer… oh that’s right, and still homeless!
So as I’m sleeping in my car I will be using the wrapping paper to keep warm, wrapped snug like those metallic survival tinfoil blankets that paramedics use. Aaaaannnndddd since I don’t have an oven I’ll be wearing that bedazzled Christmas and Hanukkah wrapping paper while eating handfuls of raw cookie dough, because $40 cookie dough means no more other foods for Tracy. But luckily the parasite and food poisoning I will most assuredly be getting from consuming the raw and unrefrigerated cookie dough will most definitely suppress my appetite, so there will be no need for trivial things like food and nourishment. Plus the parasite and constant vomiting will make me all skinny, so there will be no need to go to the gym. In fact, I can probably go ahead and cancel that gym membership and save some more money there, which I can roll over into penicillin money.
And I also helped support my nephews schools so he could win a pizza party, so I guess this worked out for everybody!
Homeless Log, Day #12
I’m worried that if I went missing right now, that nobody would know for a couple of days to a month. Since I am sleeping at different people’s houses, nobody is ever 100% certain when I am arriving, so if I don’t show up then nobody is worried. This also means that if I were to be taken then there is a very real chance that nobody would notice my absence for a few days to a week. So…um…please check in occasionally just to ensure that I’m not laying in a tub full of ice somewhere missing a kidney. In fact, here is a picture of me for the MISSING poster as I currently look:
And here is a mock up of me in six months:
This brings us to the end of our second Quasi-Homeless post, but nowhere near the end of this adventure. I thought I had found the perfect place to move, but it turns out that NOPE, so back to the beginning. And back to the shenanigans for us all to enjoy. Because you know what they say, when life gets complicated you have to learn to laugh!
So so so much more to come! Next post: the outside edition.