I’ve moved. My new address is:
427 East Wherever-I-decide-to-park-my-car-for-the-night
As some of you know, I decided to try to buy my first house this year…
I was super excited about the whole process when it started… way back in January. But then we cut to early October and there is no house, and the market sucks, and I’m poor, and banks are the worst, and no house for Tracy yet, though the dream remains alive.
But I still needed to move because my roommate was redoing her floors and the commute was killing me daily on the inside. So deciding to allow myself 2 more months of trying to find a house in a non-stabby part of town before I gave up and just signed a lease, I packed up all of my stuff and moved it to my mom’s garage for storage, then loaded my car down with all the things I would need to live. And so thusly I begin the stage of my life as Hobo Tracy.
Hobo Tracy: a wanderer of lands and sleeper of sofa beds. She is a strange vagabond, with a hatchback full of clothes and lowered ambitions. She travels the tri-state area, crashing with friends who were silly and kind enough to lovingly say “You know you could always stay with me if you needed to.”
Homeless Log, Day #1
So far so good. I officially have no residence, but I’m so exhausted from the moving that my brain isn’t awake enough to panic over that fact yet. I give it 3-5 days until the looming anxiety attack sets in.
Homeless Log, Day #2
Slashed my hand open on crappy equipment at work. That seems appropriate, because to be a proper hobo, tetanus is a pretty basic pre-requisite. Now all I need is to master nonsensical mumblings and get a shopping cart to push. After all, if you’re going to do something do it right.
Homeless Log, Day #3
F**king hurricane! Are you serious? An actual hurricane hit the first week I needed to find a park bench to sleep on?
Don’t worry, I’m not really sleeping on park benches. That’s illegal, and also I don’t have enough life insurance to be outside in Durham after 11:00pm. On the weekends I’m staying with family. They feed me and say ridiculous things like “don’t worry, it will work out soon.”
Wait, update on that last comment. Turns out my life insurance through work is AWESOME, and I am actually worth more dead then alive. That… is bleak. Alive I am actually worth negative dollars. That’s a hard truth to digest. If I had a home this would be the point that I would go there to eat ice cream and watch Netflix, letting myself be utterly distracted from that troubling realization. Welp, I guess I’ll just have to feel my feelings now and learn to cope and adult and mature and blah, blah, blah…
Homeless Log, Day #4
My car is loaded down with mountains of stuff, including boxes, hanging clothes, a lamp, and a heap of random things. I was sitting in this messy car the other night while I was looking up directions on my phone, when all of a sudden a car pulled in beside me and the look on this woman’s face made this entire ridiculous homeless circumstance worthwhile! Imagine you were her, and you pull in to Panera, then you see a girl sitting in a car which is loaded down with all of her possessions, looking like she is camped out there for the night. Too funny!
I decided to kick things up a notch and gave her the sad eyes while I shivered, just as a little social experiment to see what she would do.
It turns out not a damn thing. I gave her a small wave and NOTHING! She paused for a minute then kept walking. Man that Panera-after-dark crowd is cutthroat. I hope your soup tasted like my tears.
Homeless Log, Day #5
Pondered a comment that somebody made when I told them about my adventures in hobo-ness. Laughing at the ridiculousness of my life choices, they said, “That should totally be a reality show! I would watch it.”
So I tested her theory:
Turns out that NO, this would not be an entertaining show. Not unless you enjoy watching people napping at inappropriate times and trying to think of logical reasons to skip the gym. It doesn’t bring in the ratings. Perhaps if I want to attract a broader audience I should start throwing more drinks in people’s faces before sweeps week?
Today is also the day that I arrived at my wonderful friend’s Connie and Denis’s house. They are keeping me from living under a bridge during the weeknights. You know, it’s true what they say: it really does take a village to protect Tracy from her own bad decisions.
Homeless Log, Day #6
How to make radiator tacos:
- Prepare food and wrap it in foil
- Turn on car and allow to heat up thoroughly
- Pop the hood
- Find a warm surface within the engine. Do this by pressing quickly with your fingertips. But don’t press too long, because it can and will burn off your fingertips, and it’s the ones on the streets without fingertips and shaky dental records that go missing first!
- Secure the food to the engine’s chosen cooking surface.
- Drive around for 30 minutes to an hour until food reaches desired temperature.
- Remove food carefully.
- Enjoy your tacos!
Homeless Log, Day #7
First week of homelessness drawing to an end. So far so good, seeing as I haven’t died of exposure or been part of a bum-fight. I did have one moment where I thought about giving up on this house hunt and just finding the roommate on craigslist that was least likely to murder me or lock me in a basement, so that I would not be homeless, but that would be giving up. Finding a roof over your head is for quitters, it’s homelessness that takes commitment.
And this brings us to the end of the our first post in this… can it be called an adventure? Journey, perhaps? Sojourn? State of Limbo is probably the most accurate description.
Well, whatever it is, it will probably be hilarious in al of it’s ridiculousness. Where will my gypsy caravan take me next? Honest to Jeepers, I’m not even totally sure of the answer. More to come.