Yes, it’s true friends: I had my very first ever kidney stone.
And several of my friends who have never experienced such a thing asked me, “So what’s it like? It can’t be as bad as everyone says it is, I mean………STOP IT! Why did you just punch me in the neck!?!??”
So I put together the following medical journal explaining what it’s actually like as you move through the many stages of a Kidney Stone.
Happy reading, loves.
Stage 1: This is the worst pain that anyone has ever experienced in the history of the world.
Imagine a charlie horse like you sometimes get in your leg. Then multiply that pain by 8, and imagine it radiating up your side and back……oh, and then also somebody LIGHTS YOU ON FIRE!!! That is the best depiction of what a kidney stone feels like.
Stage 2: Lying
Specifically: Lying to the admissions desk at the ER to make them admit you SWIFTLY. I find it’s best to make up a time sensitive “guess” about why you are visiting. “What is the reason for my visit? Hmmmm, I think my appendix is about to explode!” It gets you into a hospital bed with a shot of pretty significant pain killers within 20 minutes!!! Also, throwing up in the receptionists trash can is most affective…. which I also did.
Stage 3: Realizing you are the craziest person in a hospital waiting room.
Have you ever been to the ER late at night? It is a pretty bleak affair. If you haven’t experienced it, just imagine everyone you’ve ever seen at Wal-Mart gathered into one room, except now they’re all in their dirty pajamas and they’re also crabby because they’re in pain. And in that sea of bananas, there is always one particular person in the group who is an extra level of crazy and is making everyone else nervous. And I have to say, it is quite a humbling moment when you realize that YOU are that person!
But on that night in that ER, beneath the glow of the flourescent lights and the gentle bells of the metal detectors, my very own crazy shone brighter than any star in the sky!!! And as I paced that waiting room in the ugliest sweat pants I own (because sitting down was agony and I just really wanted to die), those poor souls watched me like I was unhinged and was about to eat their faces.
Stage 4: Morphine is useless
This is the stage where you learn that morphine doesn’t work on your weird vampire body, and that it only makes the kidney stone ANGRIER!
This is also the stage where you beg the doctors to give you something stronger, and even though they kind of look at you like they think you might be a junkie, they eventually give you more drugs anyways, just so you will stop talking and begging the doctor just to remove every organ below the lungs.
This second shot that they give you is made of unicorn tears or something equally magic, and you can now taste purple and hear rainbows. This is also the stage where you learn that the only way you want to travel from this day forward is being pushed around in a hospital bed.
[BTW: I have no recollection of posting any of this.]
Dr: “You have a kidney stone”
Me: “No thank you. Can’t you just take my appendix?”
Dr: “I mean, we could… but you’d still have a kidney stone.”
Me: “No, I can’t. See, my sister has always gotten stones, and I’ve always been kind of smug about my perfect, god-like kidneys. So again, no thank you, and I would like another diagnosis please.”
Dr: <<long pause>> “You still have a stone…”
Me: <<to my mother>> “Lauren can never know.”
Stage 7: Spend 2-3 days of agony, medicine, throwing up to the point of dehydration, and then being taken back to the ER f*%king again!
This is also the stage where your mother, who is the best human person that has ever walked this earth, stays at your house because you most definitely need an adult! And she keeps you alive and also keeps the world turning on its axis because she’s THAT incredible. And she is kind enough to not remind you that she gave birth to 2 giant babies, one of whom was you, while at home with zero drugs, and she did it without all of this production. She does not say any of this, because she is a perfect human, and she lets you mutter drugged-nonsense from the couch. Because she loves you. And because Peggy Lee is a Viking Warrior.
Dr: “Why are you back?”
Me: “I missed you.”
Me: “I’m just kidding. Please give me more medicine and/or remove all of the organs from my lower abdomen.”
Me: If you give me something for the pain, I promise to stop talking.”
Friend: “Hey, when we talked yesterday——“
Me: “Did we talk yesterday?”
Stage 11: The ER is a vastly different place on Wednesday than it was Sunday…
Also, the Sunday night nurses are much nicer when placing an IV. The Wednesday night nurse beat you like you owed him money.
Stage 12: The Morphine Sweats
Did you know that the human body can sweat morphine???
Yeah, I didn’t either!
Stage 13: The Urologist
You go to the urologist. He says many scary things about surgery. You do not like these words. You grab a cup and walk to the bathroom. Your body passes the kidney stone purely out of spite and not wanting to pay any more hospital bills. Your body is fueled ONLY by spite and cheapness, and you ask them to write exactly that on your chart so you can move this along faster next time.
Stage 14: The Shame
They bring the stone into the room and make you look at it. It is tiny and pathetic. And while yes, it is jagged and looks to be made out of broken glass and hatred, you are still mortified that this tiny little bitch of a fragment of rock just wrecked you on a cellular level.
You name the stone:
Soooooo, yeah. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to have a kidney stone, now you know! You’re welcome. Now, I’m not saying that your experience will be EXACTLY the same as this. I mean, you’ll probably name yours something different. But everything else will be spot-on exactly the same. That’s just science.
I really felt bad laughing but this is hysterical.