You know how sometimes after a long day you just want to go home and rest in your comfy pants, but you can’t because the world is a bastard and there’s anthrax freaking EVERYWHERE!
No? You’re saying that isn’t a thing that happens?
Well, you are mistaken because I was leaving work the other day and I got a text from my friend and neighbor Beth saying that my road was closed so I should go the back way home. I asked her if she knew what was going on and she replied that she wasn’t certain, but that there were most definitely guys in hazmat suits all over the freaking place. Now, my mind of course IMMEDIATELY went to E.T. and assumed that the government was trying to quarantine and contain an alien, but I looked up at the sky and didn’t see any of this…..
So I then I was understandably disappointed, because it was probably just a garden variety bomb or a stupid, boring meth lab because nothing exciting or E.T. related ever happens to me!
So I was driving the back way to my house, but then I got real curious so I cut across to the main road just to see what the deal really was, and you guys there were flashing lights EVERYWHERE!!!! Police and bomb squads and hazmat suits and government vehicles and departments that I didn’t even know EXISTED! And every car had been detoured and the streets were like a ghost town and it was the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. And the cops were waving at me to turn around and I was just about to do that when my phone dinged again from my other friend and neighbor Anne was all “IT’S ANTHRAX, Y’ALL! IT’S FREAKING ANTHRAX!”
And I stared at the barricade, which was placed RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD! And I asked Google to explain what was happening, and Google was all “It’s actually happening about 2 blocks away from your house, but the barricade is stretched for safety.” And I was SO thankful to hear that, because 2 blocks is super far away when you live in a constant state of denial (as I do). But then Google was all, “What the hell is wrong with you, Anthrax is airborne and you should probably have already done a U-turn because the cops are still staring at you.”
So I turned around and returned to the back road, and a small part of me was saying “You should probably go stay at your mom’s until they figure out if this is actually happening.” But then a much more vocal part of me was like, “You know you’re not going to do that. You have to go get your dog out regardless, and you know that once you’re in the house you aren’t going anywhere because all you really want is to take a nap. Plus, looks like all your neighbors already evacuated so it’s really peaceful and quiet right now.”
So I went home, took my dog for a very short walk, wondered the whole time what anthrax smells like and if it was already too late for me, and then I went home and pulled a blanket over my head (because the anthrax can’t get you in your blanket fort, right science?), and then I just watched Game of Thrones until the bad feelings went away.
I also called Pizza Hut to ask if they delivered to Anthrax quarantined areas. They do not, in case you were ALSO wondering.
Thankfully it turns out there was not Anthrax in Durham….. just two people who didn’t seem to understand that if you say the words “We have Anthrax” that you will be SUPER arrested! But…… I mean….. it took a few hours for them to make that announcement. And for those few hours I didn’t flee or make a single responsible decision. I mostly napped and played on Pinterest and Googled “Can anthrax get me if I just stay inside?”
And what did we learn from all of this??????? We learned that I have zero survival skills. Like seriously….zero. My mom once said that if I was ever kidnapped or if I crashed on a desert island I wouldn’t try to escape, I would just find a comfy spot to curl up and be like, “Okay, I guess I live here now.” She said that’s why they always kept such a close eye on me.
So I guess the moral of this story is that anthrax is bad for you and that my mother is always right. She is lovely and wise, and that crafty woman is ALWAYS %^#&^*$& RIGHT!!! She’s like some kind of wizard.
for a rainy day 
This was freaking hilarious! I loved it. PS I think I’m a lot like you in that zero survivor rate.