I was leaving work the other day and I was pretty exhausted because this day had been EXTRA people-y and all I really wanted in the world was to just get home quickly, not have to cook, and build a blanket fort on my couch where I could watch Game of Thrones and eat some feelings.
Now, I am a human person, which means that I (like all people) enjoy two things:
- Not talking to people
So I decided to stop really quickly on my way home, hurry discreetly through the drive thru, and then get home as quickly as possible before this long-freaking-day-of-shenanigans-and-ridiculous-questions could turn me into an all out super villain………
……….but that was no longer an option.
I pulled into the sea of cars at Chick-fil-a and patiently waited my turn. But then I saw it…..the terrible sight of a living human person waiting there a few feet ahead to take my order. Now I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is YES OF COURSE I TRIED TO GET OUT! But there were already 849 cars behind me sealing my fate, so short of lighting myself on fire I was in this thing til the end. What’s that you just asked? No, I’m not being dramatic! No, I’M NOT! The feeling of panic is EXACTLY the proper emotion to feel when you pull up to a drive thru with the expectation of talking to a speaker but instead find a living person staring at you directly in the eyes. We have an unspoken but binding contract, fast food restaurants. And that unspoken contract is: No eye contact. If I had wanted to see a person or have a chat I would have gone inside. But I didn’t do that, did I? No, what I did was I pulled around the back alley and asked you to hand it discreetly to me through a window. What’s that? No, I’m not being DRAMATIC! No, YOU’RE being ridiculous!
SOOOO I pulled up to the first HUMAN PERSON standing outside, prancing along as they were from car to car in the drive thru. And I resigned myself to the fact that, yes, I am going to have to look a fellow human being in the eye and admit to them that I have officially given up on this blasted day and I would now like to eat my body weight in delicious waffle fries.
Person #1: “Can I take your order?”
Me: “Hey, um…. can I ask you something that’s been bothering me? You see that really expensive intercom up there? Is, um… is that thing broken?”
Person #1: “No, I don’t believe so. Why?”
Me: “Sooooo, even though they paid thousands of dollars for that intercom and it works just fine, and even though it’s 8 million degrees out here… they’re making you stand outside?”
Person #1: “Um…. can I take your order?”
Me: “But um… not to be picky or anything…. but uh, the menu with all the information that I need is up there like 20 feet away out of sight. It’s connected to that intercom, which I think might just be decoration?”
And now comes the battle portion of the line, because immediately after placing your order, you have to merge from 2 lines into 1, because some monster at some point in history who just wanted to watch the world burn decided “Hey, you know what makes sense? Let’s make 2 different lines that are going to the exact same place, and probably this won’t result in chaos and rage!” And that man was….
This was of course the point where the BMW (anyone surprised by that) tried to get around me and nose ahead, despite the fact that I was already almost completely in front of them. But jokes on you, ass-face, because your car is a lot nicer than mine and I am 100% willing to see this through to the end!
So after I won that standoff, I then pulled up to Human Person #2 on this tour-of-ways-you-didn’t-want-to-spend-your-evening. This lovely person, smiling despite the UNBEARABLE heat, is standing out there no more than ten feet from the first person. It is their job to take cash………. Because of course it is.
Person #2: “Here is your change.”
Me: “Hey, what happens if it rains? Do you have to stay out here?…… What’s that?……. Yes, of course my pants are unbuttoned. It’s after 5:00.”
It has now been 15 minutes. My car is still directly beside that same guy who just gave me my change…. exactly as it has been for 3 of those 15 minutes. We’re both pretending the other person isn’t there…. because what is there to be said now? It’s like after you say goodbye to someone, but then you both realize you’re walking in the same direction. However, the good manners my mother raised me with are warring with my desire to burrow into the core of the earth and be done with people, but I manage to scrounge up some southern manners and…
Me: “So…. Pluto’s not a planet….”
But finally the line moves and you pull forward another 5 feet, thinking as you round the bend that this is almost over, but alas, Human Person #3 is waiting there for you.
Me: “What is your job? Oh, you’re literally just out here to ask if I want ketchup?” <<leaning in to whisper>> “Hey, will you tell me honestly? Did the price go up because they now have to pay six people to take an order? No seriously, please tell me. Yeah, I will have a blessed day as soon as you tell me.”
***Ten Minutes Later***
Person #6: “What did you order?”
Me: “Honest to God, I don’t remember. It’s been half an hour. This used to take 5 minutes.”
Person #6: “Yeah, we only have one person cooking now. Everyone else was moved to ordering.”
(((Okay, he didn’t say that….. but we all know it’s true)))
Me: “You’re the 6th person I’ve talked to in 20 feet. What’s your job? You don’t remember? Oh, you hand me my straw… then that young lady 3 feet away hands me my napkins? That makes so much sense! Hey, be honest with me. Is this all part of a larger master plan to combat obesity and make me eat at home more? Be honest, just between the 2 of us… What?…. no, I’m not blogging this. Oh, hang on…. can you see the computer now? Ok, tell me the truth. Just between us.”
aaaaaaand dammit, now I want Chick-fil-a again. I keep saying never again, but I just love you too much. You damn chicken magicians.
I’ll be back in a few hours.