Summer makes me sad.
Yeah, you read that correctly. The way that 99.8% of you feel about the gloominess of the winter is exactly how I feel about the summer.
Summer is the worst thing of ALL of the things and it’s making me depressed.
Wait, I should probably start over before people call to check on me and ask me if I’m truly in a deep depression. I’m more in the sort of gloomy state where all I want to do is eat raw cookie dough and sit on my couch, and also occasionally fight somebody in the street when they say obnoxious things at me. I’m sure you know that feeling. And yet I can’t eat raw cookie dough, because it’s hot as the eighth circle of Hades outside and all my tank tops are reminding me that I forgot to workout yesterday……… and also the 365 days before that. And I can’t fight people in the street, because apparently that’s all sorts of illegal and leads to the breakdown of society. And so all I want in the world is just to sit on my couch and curl up safely under a blanket to hide and to feel all my feelings, but I can’t even do THAT because it is no less than 8,000 degrees outside and that’s way too hot for a f*#$ing blanket, because SUMMER TAKES AWAY EVERYTHING THAT I LOVE!!!
Whew, that got away from me for a second. Is everyone alright? Anyone need a hug before we keep going?
And so, as summer steadily creeps outward, slowly stealing more and more of April and October (and freaking MARCH this year, you greedy summer bastard!), I resign myself to one conclusion….
And as I want to go to bed each night at a ridiculously early hour because I’m exhausted from all the people-ing I have done that day, but the sun is still up making me feel bad for not jogging or having more hobbies, that conclusion grows stronger……..
And as I shower and make myself presentable each day, only to step outside and immediately be punched in the face with humidity, so that by the time I get to work I look like an unwashed bag lady, that conclusion looks more and more appealing…….
And that conclusion is: I BELONG IN CANADA!!!
That’s the dream. I belong there!
I need to live in the great white North! Where lumberjacks roam free and each day when you leave your home you are prepared for both (1) a freak snow storm and also (2) a surprise bear attack! Where people are polite all the time and donuts are considered an every day food. That is the dream. In fact, I believe I’ve mentioned this very life ambition before…
But until that glorious day when all my dreams become real, I will be hibernating at least until late September. Send pizza and antidepressants. And also any bearded Canadians you have lying around.