for a rainy day

Things I Never Learned

Yesterday I decided I wanted to insulate and enclose my attic, and I also decided that even though I have no discernible skills, abilities, training, electric engineering degrees, construction capabilities, upper body strength, general know-how, or competence at all… that I was going to do this project DIY style. Because what I DO have is like $50 and a little box of orange half-tools from IKEA. So I decided to do this thing!

And I went to google and I typed in “simple attic insulation,” and google gave me 800 million pages of people saying “it’s so easy that my two year old sometimes does it just for fun!” And so I kept reading, thinking surely I can handle this.

But then I encountered something on like every single one of those pages. And that was the phrase “And of course you know…” followed by some ridiculously obscure technical jargon that I had never heard of and did not understand in the least.

fries hungry Jennifer Lawrence

And I only bring this up because I encounter this same thing A LOT when I’m online. I’ll be reading some instructions for a DIY project, or a recipe, or some other various I-want-to-improve-my-life-and-skill-set-but-only-if-I-don’t-have-to-get-off-the-couch type of instructional page, and they’ll just drop some little throw away comment about “Things we all certainly know”……… but I don’t know it.

So my question to you all is:

WHEN DID YOU FREAKING LEARN THESE IMPORTANT THINGS AND MINOR ASSORTED RANDOM LIFE SKILLS and WHERE THE HECK WAS I WHEN THIS ALL WENT DOWN????

I can only assume this all went down during the sports-times. Because that was the only sort of mandatory childhood thing I definitely opted out of completely and whole-heartedly from the first day I could say “That sounds terrible, so hard pass from me!” Did your coaches hold little pow wow sessions after practice where they taught these skills that supposedly “everyone knows?” Like: “That was a solid practice and a good hustle by the defense. Now gather around while I teach you how to blanch almonds because you’ll be expected to just know how to do this when you’re older.”

Other things the internet just expects me to know that I was never taught:

  1. How to properly install insulation, but only after I’ve figure out some R-something scale about heat ratios and evaporations pertaining to the space?
  2. How to properly cook zucchini so it’s not too raw, but it’s also not mushy (If you can do this you are a wizard)
  3. How to simply and festively create a perfect 4 course meal from only the things already in my fridge! (spoiler alert: there is only half a loaf of bread, an old can of coke and some baking soda in there, so good luck with that, internet)
  4. How to survive if you’re ever shipwrecked on an island with only the items in your pocket.
  5. How to update this blog with fancy internet shenanigans and shiny web design objects. Anyone can do it, so long as they can write and read internet code. Your middle school coach should have taught you all about the intricacies of interwebs and code algorithms after softball practice.

This list could go on all day, but I feel like at this point in our relationship together I don’t need to prove to you any longer that I don’t know how to do things. So please, somebody needs to catch me up on all of these lessons. Until then…

giphy-3

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This entry was published on February 13, 2017 at 2:38 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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