(somebody please buy this for me!)
And then, energized by his pure evil disgustingness, he took off running more laps, circling back each time to the food table (where I was still standing frozen in horror and starvation) to touch and lick more food, and also to push adults out of his way. NOW : I believe most of you know me pretty well. I’m an okay person; not great, but also not uber-terrible either. But I also don’t have a very high threshold for douche-baggery or other assorted dickhead shenanigans. And no, I’m not referring to the child when I say those things. I’m talking about his parents. They never surfaced to check on their child, to see what the screaming was about, or even to just make sure that he wasn’t lighting trash fires in the street. (I mean, I know children are a handful, and you can’t have eyes on them every single second, but this had been going on for half an hour! Get in the game, people!) So I decided to just have a quick life lesson session and correct the problem for the room.
The kid ran into me two more times as I debated with myself and told myself just to walk away. Or to go home where order and civility reign. Or to take a deep, cleansing breath and pray to Jesus. And then this kid stopped directly beside me, licked his fingers, touched a bunch of cupcakes, pushed me yet-freaking-again, shoved 4 cookies in to his mouth, laughed, and pushed me one more $%^&^%*$&% time.
So all I did, was I just popped my elbow out………. as he was leaning in.
Now, I’m not a scientist, but somehow in the ebb and flow of motion, matter, cause and effect my elbow (which was there first) made some medium-gentle contact with his face.
And then he stared up at me in surprise.
And I stared back at him.
And we both processed what just happened.
And he waited.
And I waited.
And then I said, “Go sit down .”
And he freaking went and sat down! And that was the end of the problem for the rest of the night.
Now, this is the end of the story and the part where you are now free to judge me. BUT, in my defense: I did nothing wrong. Elbows sometimes are just out in the wild, and I can’t truly be blamed if occasionally they snag a feral, untamed, wild heathen child gently in the face. And I don’t mean a child who is all jacked up on sugar, but their parents are nearby and they’re doing their best to maintain order and keep their child safe. Parents like that are heroes and have my support, sympathy and understanding. This child, however, appeared to have been abandoned to be raised by wolves in this wine bar, and then some elbow related things transpired, and at the end of the night he sat down like an angel. And also, I barely tapped him, so calm down. And besides, everyone has those moments where you don’t plan to do anything, but then your body just takes over and things happen without your brain’s consent. Right? Everyone gets just one of those moments with a free pass and no judgment. Right? You get one! This was my one.
Except…………… I also did it a few months before this at Harry Potter World as well. In line for one of the rides. That kid had pushed me for a solid half hour and stepped on my toe until you could see the tread of his sneakers on my skin, and his dad didn’t say a word. So somehow, my elbow just… popped out there into empty space……..just about the time that junior was charging me again. And we didn’t have any further problems the rest of the wait.
My elbow= deliverer of justice and questionable judgment
for a rainy day 
I like it….