for a rainy day

I Hit A Kid in the Face…and other things that are true

I can’t decide if I’m a monster or not. I’ll let you decide.
Once upon a time……… I hit a kid in the face. But that’s not the whole story, so I do ask that you defer your judgment until you read on.
So I was at this holiday party grand opening for a wine bar that somebody invited me to. It was huge and there were people everywhere. There were also a SURPRISING amount of children there. Like, a SHOCKING amount of loose, feral children considering we were at a wine bar.
So, we arrived a little late because (1) traffic was really bad, and (2)…

(somebody please buy this for me!)

And by this time, most of the parents were at the giggly hour of the wine bar opening, and they were feeling no pain. And that would have been fine, except for the small fact that their children were still running wild around the place.
And there was one child in particular. Oh yes, there is always that one child in particular. The one child in a sea of children who you immediately see as the alpha-child and the ringleader of the awfulness. I didn’t know this child’s name, but based solely on the look of him I guessed his name to be Walter VanUppity the Third.
So this child was running around the room screaming at the top of his lungs. LITERALLY screaming! Yelling nonsense, gibberish, and other assorted war cries as he ran laps around the room. And this just kept happening, and I kept looking for some sort of adult who was responsible for this child, but nobody showed their face or their parental authority over Damien.
So about twenty minutes later, this kid has already run into me twice and stepped on my toe once as he ran like a banshee through the room. Of course, that may have been my fault because I was standing absolutely still at the edge of the room, and so I was clearly in his way.
About this time, we decided to go get some food from the nice layout. I got my plate and picked up a serving spoon, but then…
Ooooooooooohhhhhhhh, but then!
I watched in horror as this same child ran up to the table, picked up a piece of cheese, put that cheese into his mouth, cringed in disgust at the taste, and then SPIT IT BACK ONTO THE SERVING TRAY!

 And then, energized by his pure evil disgustingness, he took off running more laps, circling back each time to the food table (where I was still standing frozen in horror and starvation) to touch and lick more food, and also to push adults out of his way. NOW : I believe most of you know me pretty well. I’m an okay person; not great, but also not uber-terrible either. But I also don’t have a very high threshold for douche-baggery or other assorted dickhead shenanigans. And no, I’m not referring to the child when I say those things. I’m talking about his parents. They never surfaced to check on their child, to see what the screaming was about, or even to just make sure that he wasn’t lighting trash fires in the street. (I mean, I know children are a handful, and you can’t have eyes on them every single second, but this had been going on for half an hour! Get in the game, people!) So I decided to just have a quick life lesson session and correct the problem for the room.

The kid ran into me two more times as I debated with myself and told myself just to walk away. Or to go home where order and civility reign. Or to take a deep, cleansing breath and pray to Jesus. And then this kid stopped directly beside me, licked his fingers, touched a bunch of cupcakes, pushed me yet-freaking-again, shoved 4 cookies in to his mouth, laughed, and pushed me one more $%^&^%*$&% time.

So all I did, was I just popped my elbow out………. as he was leaning in.

Now, I’m not a scientist, but somehow in the ebb and flow of motion, matter, cause and effect my elbow (which was there first) made some medium-gentle contact with his face.

And then he stared up at me in surprise.
And I stared back at him.
And we both processed what just happened.
And he waited.
And I waited.
And then I said, “Go sit down .”

And he freaking went and sat down! And that was the end of the problem for the rest of the night.

Now, this is the end of the story and the part where you are now free to judge me. BUT, in my defense: I did nothing wrong. Elbows sometimes are just out in the wild, and I can’t truly be blamed if occasionally they snag a feral, untamed, wild heathen child gently in the face. And I don’t mean a child who is all jacked up on sugar, but their parents are nearby and they’re doing their best to maintain order and keep their child safe. Parents like that are heroes and have my support, sympathy and understanding. This child, however, appeared to have been abandoned to be raised by wolves in this wine bar, and then some elbow related things transpired, and at the end of the night he sat down like an angel. And also, I barely tapped him, so calm down. And besides, everyone has those moments where you don’t plan to do anything, but then your body just takes over and things happen without your brain’s consent. Right? Everyone gets just one of those moments with a free pass and no judgment. Right? You get one! This was my one.

Except…………… I also did it a few months before this at Harry Potter World as well. In line for one of the rides. That kid had pushed me for a solid half hour and stepped on my toe until you could see the tread of his sneakers on my skin, and his dad didn’t say a word. So somehow, my elbow just… popped out there into empty space……..just about the time that junior was charging me again. And we didn’t have any further problems the rest of the wait.

My elbow= deliverer of justice and questionable judgment

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This entry was published on January 18, 2017 at 12:17 am. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

One thought on “I Hit A Kid in the Face…and other things that are true

  1. Melissa on said:

    I like it….

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