As you know, I went traveling to Indiana last week. This is noteworthy for two reasons:
#1- I don’t leave the house much, and…
#2- It was that one time somebody published a book with my work in it!!!
(It’s for sale on Kindle for $3 if you want to read it, and if you read it, please review it on Amazon. Reviews keep books alive)
But that’s not the point of this post. The point is I was out in the world, amongst the peoples, and I saw something! Something that made me say to myself, “Self, that’s really freaking weird.” And then made me jerk the wheel so hard that I almost flipped the freaking car! And it was this:
Of course, you’re probably thinking what’s so weird about that? The route from North Carolina to Indiana is literally lined with adult entertainment-type establishments. I can attest to that, because we counted them all as we drove, and also mocked the names. But there are so very many reasons that I found this particular establishment so strange, and the first one is this:
I have no idea what exactly their demographic is, but when has the thought ever crossed anyone’s mind that, “You know what this porn needs? Some Pacman.” This place was a pedophile nightmare, friends. But alas, even THAT wasn’t what I found interesting enough that I almost killed us all trying to pull over. Here, look closer:
The strip club/porn shop and the local Presbyterian Church SHARE A PARKING LOT!!!!
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? Seriously, I have no less that 1,00,000 questions about how this came to be? What was the planning that went into this little gravel parking lot crossroads? Which one came first: the church or the strip club? Is it even a strip club? What the hell is in there, because the place is just vaguely called ADULT! Who made the choice that video games should also be included? Which came first AGAIN: the Arcade or the ADULT? Was this an arcade that was passed down through the family line, until it was finally inherited by a slacker nephew who was all like, “Bump this, let’s get some adult content in this place, because people love nudity with their Atari!” Or maybe it happened the other way, and some kid inherited his family’s struggling porn shop and was like, “Geez Grandma, what is wrong with you! I’m going to legitimize this place and restore the family name with Super Mario Bros.”
No matter what the order is or how I play it out in my mind, it’s hilarious! And it will never stop being hilarious for as long as I shall live.
Of course, this also teaches me some strong lessons about West Virginia. And the positive things I learned about West Virginia from this spectacle are:
#1- They are conservative with their land development, and thus their various establishments (be it kid-friendly entertainment, deviant friendly entertainment, or all of the Jesus) share space.
#2- People are busy! In a land where there was nothing for literally miles except for corn fields and barns, they have created a mecca of one-stop shopping. You can come to one location and get all the weird toys and all the Jesus that you want!
#3- West Virginia Presbyterians are crafty! Well played, church that just happens to be shaming all the people who might frequent the vaguely named store ADULT.
Also, I think we broke the poor ADULT owner’s heart, because we were the only car to pull over (probably ever), and we couldn’t stop laughing as we snapped pictures. Sorry pal. Good luck with your business, which I can only assume is a bunch of old magazines and a dirty nintendo in your basement.
I love to travel!