My body shut down today. And I don’t mean that in a funny, exaggerated, leading-up-to-a-joke way. I mean it in a very literal, my-body-is-doing-things-I-can’t-control type way.
All morning I was ridiculously jittery and my heart was pounding. It was like I was having a panic attack, just without the actual panic. But the same awful feeling of shakiness and that bizarre, hyper-aware and overwhelmed, overstimulated feeling where your breathing is wrong and you can’t gain control.
All of this happened, by the way, while sitting at work and trying to look like a normal human person while my brain was…
And I was really freaking out because I couldn’t figure out what was happening or what I had done differently to make my nervous system short circuit like this. The only thing that was different was I’d been drinking a ridiculous amount of water lately in an effort to be moderately healthier. Is this what healthy feels like? Because I hate it!!!!!
I was hot, but my skin felt cold, but I didn’t have a fever.
My fingers wouldn’t stop nervously and frantically drumming even though my brain was telling them to stop.
I could hear every sound in a five mile radius.
My brain was moving at normal speed but the rest of the world was in slow motion.
I could hear purple!
After the first 2 hours of this chaos (where I kept waiting to either throw up or die, but neither had the decency to just happen!) I finally realized what had gone wrong! My coffee that morning had tasted like actual coffee instead of mocha ice cream, so in an attempt to make it drinkable I had added the only thing available: SPLENDA!
Uuuuuummmmmm, is Splenda poison? I don’t ever use it and I never drink diet drinks that use it, so this was a first for me. For real, is it made out of Clorox and meth? Because two little packets of it officially made my brain its bitch!
And the side effects lasted for hours upon hours! People kept coming to my desk to ask questions and chat, and I tried to interact with them, but all I could think was, “What is my face doing right now? How do I work my face?” And I tried to look normal. Honestly I did…
But I had zero control of my person. It was like coming down off an acid trip. I mean, that’s what I’m assuming. (I’ve never done acid, mom.) I think it’s pretty clear from this experience that I don’t have the tolerance for any drugs or things of that nature since I just got wrecked off of a sugar substitute made from what I can only assume is rufies and hatred. But based off of my vast love and knowledge of Alice in Wonderland, what followed was exactly like a bad acid trip.
7:00-9:15am (before realizing the problem) My body is dying on the inside! How do I make this stop?
9:17am- Realized Splenda was to blame. Also realized I still have 7 more hours of work and I’m not going to make it!!!
10:12am- Fight or flight? FIGHT OR FLIGHT!?!?!?!
11:01am- Tried to type out a sentence. The results were nonsense.
11:15am- I can hear everything within a 5 mile radius! I need to relax. To do that I put on my headphones and listened to Neil Gaiman reading online while I worked. Neil Gaiman is always soothing.
11:18am- Neil Gaiman is reading from The Graveyard Book. It’s only freaking me out a little.
11:19am- Neil Gaiman says death is a woman, just at the same moment a strange woman walks up to my desk. Dear Lord, she has come for me!
11:20am- Nope, still alive. Also, it’s not polite to call a complete stranger death… apparently?
11:21am- Wait, did that happen in real life or just in my mind?
12:10pm- Coworker: “Are you okay?”
12:25pm- Taking a break and going for a walk.
12:28pm- My brain knows that it’s really hot outside, but my skin doesn’t work! Have I lost sensation?
12:30pm- Passing a pool that looks super wonderful! Maybe I can jump in and shock my body into feeling things again. I mean sure, there is a fence, but I could totally jump that!
12:45pm-I just want to go home and hide in a blanket fort until my brain slows down.
1:00pm- I have got to calm down! Relax and turn on your fan, and then just focus on the cold air. Damn it body, start working properly again!
1:01pm- Nope, I’m just going home. I can probably drive.
1:15pm- Driving. I have one stop to make and… OH MY GOSH WHO JUST SAID THAT???? Now I’m hearing voices talking to me and…. oh… no, wait… huh, how did my GPS get turned on?
1:20pm- Try to look normal in this store. Just be calm and breathe, and put your hands in your pockets so nobody sees them shaking.
Employee: “Ma’am, can I help you find something?”
Me: “I’M LOOKING FOR THE BOOK OF TINY LADY!”
Okay, self, first of all, you are yelling. Second of all, I think you meant to say Little Women.
1:30pm- In car, calling for help:
Me: “I think I’m most definitely dying. You should probably leave work and come get me.”
Him: “That sounds dramatic. Do you just need a snack?”
Me: “No, I’m pretty sure I’m dying. You could be the last person I ever speak to.”
Him: “Can I call you later?”
Me: “I could be dead later!!!”
—call ended—-him immediately calling right back—
Me: “What the hell, dude?”
Him: <laughing too much for the situation at hand> “That was just really bad timing. The call dropped, I did not hang up on you while you were dying.”
Him: “You’ll be fine.”
1:45pm- Finally home and laying down as my brain continues to be overstimulated and angry.
2:00pm- Went on the internet to see how long it takes for Splenda to either leave your body or finally kill you. The internet told me this:
4:00pm- Breathing more normally, but my damn fingers are still drumming without my consent. When do I regain control of that?
4:30pm- Decided just to try to enjoy the crazy trip. Gathered the appropriate snacks, turned on The Wizard of Oz and synced it up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.
4:40pm- NOPE! Instant regret! Shut that off and turn on Parks and Recreation while I hide under a blanket. This is a safe place. THIS IS A SAFE PLACE!
7:01pm- Woke up, took a melatonin and went back to sleep because I don’t want any more of this day.
Essentially, the whole day can be summed up in this:
Splenda is the devil.