I am a steadily employed, semi-adult… but I have come to the realization that I am living vastly different lives from most of my friends. Why? Because somewhere during these years of adulting they have become successful and/or discovered gold mines underneath their homes. Meanwhile I am still counting down days until payday. As a result, there can arise a communication gap in the conversation at times, as if we are speaking different languages.
So I have compiled this guide for you, the financially stable, to help you communicate more effectively with the rest of us. Here are just a few of the things that you talk about that us “broke-Americans” do not understand.
Here are the 11 Things Broke People Haven’t Experienced in a Long Time:
1.) The Dentist
Haven’t been in a while. Why, you may ask? Because I’m not asking for a diamond encrusted grill, so why is this bill so huge? No, I’m not interested in a payment plan because all you did was brush my teeth and then you poked at my gums for 20 minutes until they bled. In fact, you now owe ME $50 because that sh*t hurt! So no, I haven’t experienced the dentist in a while. But what I HAVE experienced are emails about free dental schools where you let students work on you so they can get practice, and you can even get paid for letting them do weird procedures. I’m not gonna lie, I definitely considered it, but I’m afraid of coming out of it like this:
2.) The term “Extra money”
3.) Meat that didn’t come out of a bag
Say what you want, but bags of frozen chicken nuggets are cheap and they sustain life!
4.) Pulling into a gas station without saying “F*@k, again!”
5.) Any activity described as “spur of the moment”
Oh cupcake, budgets are planned in advance! Did you mean NEXT September? Because yeah, I can probably swing that.
Legend says the crustacion is a marine-dwelling animal, which when boiled alive and dipped in copious, unhealthy amounts of butter becomes the most delicious culinary meal that could ever be fathomed by the gods. The myth continues to grow, but sightings are rare.
(Spoiler alert: popcorn, when ALSO rolled in dangerous amounts of liquid butter, is just as delicious. Popcorn= the poor man’s lobster)
7.) Pulling a credit card out confidently at any register
When was the last time I used this one? I haven’t used that blue one in a while. What’s the balance on this one? I thought I paid it off. What are the consequences for stealing in this day and age: is it just a slap on the wrist or is cutting off hands still a thing?
8.) Name Brands
You mean to tell me that I can get the exact same medicine, just in an uglier bottle… and I can give you HALF of the money? Is this a trap? If you’re a cop you have to tell me.
Why do these noodles cost $4.00 but these here are only a nickel? Do the $4 noodles also cure cancer? Explain yourselves, corporations!
9.) Reaching for a check
It’s just good manners to play the game like you totally intend to pay for everybody, but we all know it’s just good-intentioned trickery. Restaurants no longer accept good intentions and explanations that begin with “see what had happened was…” as payment, so yeah I’ll let you pick up the check if you insist.
Steadily-employed friend: “We should really splurge and treat ourselves! I’m going to buy that new computer I’ve been wanting, what are you going to buy as a treat?”
me: “Hmmmm, I was thinking electricity”
11.) Retirement accounts
I don’t understand them. 401-K sounds like a venereal disease, or a really uncomfortable medical procedure. My retirement plan (in its entirety) is to one day get hit by a Lexus when crossing the street.
L iving the dream, people. LIVING.THE.DREAM.