I have anxiety. No joke there, it’s just something that’s true that I’m admitting, which most people don’t know about me because I overcompensate so it doesn’t show.
Whew, that felt serious for a minute. Did you get scared? Don’t worry, we’re not going serious. I’m about to compensate again to make everybody more comfortable…you know, like I do!
Now I have many joys in life, but one of my favorite things IN THE WORLD are commercials for drugs! Particularly anxiety drugs because they speak to me. I LOVE those commercials with smiling models twirling in fields and skipping in front of meadows as the narrator describes HORRIBLE diseases and disorders in the voice over. These minute long trainwrecks make me positively giddy! But the true beauty of these cinematic briefs is the last thirty seconds when they describe all of the horrible side effects. My mother and I collect these commercials. We would see one come on and scream for the other to hurry up so we could get every lovely second of those side effects, which 90% of the time included the exact thing the drug was treating…and death.
So I made you one…because I care for you!
<Dimly lit room. A woman sits in a black and white shot, looking sad.>
“Do you suffer from anxiety?”
<More shots of her looking uncomfortable and staring out a window, because reasons.>
“Do you struggle to enjoy every day activities?”
<Shot of people outside window looking happy. Woman creeps through house like the Phantom of the Opera.>
“Well with Anxitraxopin those pesky panic attacks and social anxiety will be more manageable.”
<Suddenly black and white changes to color, because that’s how drugs work apparently.>
“No longer will you be at the mercy of your anxiety. The world is your oyster and you will shuck it!”
<Woman goes outside and joins the happy people. Token shots of her at work, smiling at handsome men, walking on a street in a white dress.>
“Anxitraxopin helps shut down the part of the brain that inputs logic and awareness, allowing you to go about your day without any worry, anxiety or feeling in your left arm.”
“Anxitraxopin, not recommended for the socially awkward.”
<Generic shot of woman leading a board meeting.>
“Side effects may include increased anxiety, heart disease, night blindness, paranoia, bleeding of the ear, increased fertility, chocolate cravings and crying in the shower.”
<Woman walks down the street carrying shopping bags, because women be shopping!>
“Consult your doctor if you experience any twitching of the eyes, spontaneous Terrettes, increased menstruation, parcel tongue, or temporary paralysis.”
<Woman drinking coffee at an outdoor cafe with friends.>
“There is a 90% chance of death with Anxitraxopin. May worsen anxiety.”
<Woman winks at camera.>
“Anxitraxopin; because it’s your life and you should be in control of it”
<Whoops, she wasn’t winking, it was the eye twitch setting in.>
“Not FDA approved”