Happy Halloween!! Oh, and also…
…HAPPY MY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!
Did you not know that today was my birthday? Well then you have never spoken to me ever ever because I am not shy about the greatness of my day! I am also a complete birthday jerk and it is fan-freakin-tastic! I love my birthday the way some people love their children or the gift of life, with a fierce, unshakable love. So again I say, a very happy My birthday to you all, especially you!
So please, celebrate this occasion with candy and slutty costumes the way our fore-fathers intended us to! Turn up the Thriller and make jokes about the 80 million Ebola costumes. Halloween is a gift and it should be enjoyed! If you are not already in a costume then you are already behind the game friend.
So to commemorate this Hallows Eve let us all gather around whilst I tell you a scary story.
It was a dark and stormy night…
A girl was driving home from her Halloween party when she saw a sign blocking the road. It read: “Don’t go this way! People get murdered here every year on Halloween. It’s a bad idea. Road Closed. No seriously, don’t drive here.” But the girl just laughed, saying “That’s ridiculous. I’m 22 and I’m going to live forever. Plus this is the way to Starbucks and I need my Pumpkin Spice”, and so she drove on.
Monster Mash was playing on the radio for the 8,000 time that day when suddenly there was a loud POP. The car swerved. Oh no, a flat tire. Breaths slowing, she looked around to see where she was, and sure enough she was right in front of THE house. The house where legend says 18 people were killed on this very night 30 years ago by Tom…because all killers have to have a really common name just so you can never look at any of the Michaels, Jasons, or Freddys in your life the same way. What, you don’t think those movies effect the way you think about people with the same name…
So Tom…Tom the psycho killer. Anyways, every year Tom breaks out of the Psychiatric ward and comes back to the house to kill everyone who drives by and gets a flat tire.
“Well thank goodness this year he hasn’t broken out,” she whispered.
“This just in,” the radio crackled. “Tom just broke out of the Psychiatric ward. Thank goodness the street in front of his house has been closed by authorities, because anyone driving there would definitely be about to get so killed.” And then they played Monster Mash again.
The car was useless, so armed with her taser she stepped out and started her journey on foot, when suddenly she heard footsteps behind her.
“Hey, can I help out…”
Acting on panic and bad instincts she turned and tased the helper, who dropped to the ground, limbs shaking with voltage. Whoops, the man (who was literally dressed as a white night for Halloween) continued to shake on the concrete. “Whoopsy-daisy, that was probably my fault. Welp, better keep walking.”
But then she saw Tom. Standing in the front window of the house with his hook for a hand, which all truly respectable deranged lunatics have. She screamed and immediately fell to the ground spraining her ankle. When she looked back to the window he was gone and the screen door was swinging, but Tom was nowhere in sight.
Hopping up she limped down the road, screaming for someone to please help. But alas, the road was vacant because all the other people in town know how to read a street sign. So she hobbled, screaming futily and turning every 7 steps to watch the road behind her.
Tom suddenly appeared out of nowhere, walking at a slow, creepy pace but somehow catching up to her at a pace that doesn’t make sense…because she’s running. Wait, how does that always happen?
[Word problem: If girl runs on hurt ankle at a speed of 2 MPH, and Tom walks at a creepy pace of .8 MPH, how many streets will it take for him to overtake her? Answer: 2…2 poorly lit, foggy streets. Well thank you math, once again you prove worthless]
Just when she was beginning to despair as Tom was less than a foot away, a movement caught her eye. Another girl was limping and screaming, but she was dressed just a smidge sluttier. Tom huffed in aggravation and veered off after the new girl, because everybody knows that Halloween-based killers are required by phychopath law to kill the sluttiest girl first, and then work your way down to the more chaste.
Using the opportunity the girl quickly veered off into an old wooden shed, filled with rusty chainsaws and blood stained antique farm equipment. Whew, safe. Or so she thought…
Tom burst into the room, looking a bit perturbed at the delay. He surveryed the room, easily spotting the girl breathing way too loud even though she was trying to hide. Walking slowly he made his way toward the girl looking all menacing and killer-y. He towered over her, raising his hook and was about to strike when the alarm on his watch went off.
“Oh well, today you live,” Tom shrugged.
“What, you mean your not going to kill me?”
Tom laughed. “It’s after midnight. Nobody cares on November 1st.”
Happy Halloween and Tracypalooza dear friends! Make good choices.