for a rainy day

Internet Suggestions For Giving Up

Hey Google recommendations, advertisements and spam emails, how dare you!

I understand that you like to track people and learn about them in an attempt to steal my money with advertisements of things that you know I just have to have, but why don’t you just calm down. I am slightly-to-moderately offended because here are the things that you have recently decided that I cannot live without:

1) Tanner

I’ve gotten Groupon ads for both the tanning bed and the sunless tanning lotion. Um, as a pigmently-challenged American I find these suggestions offensive. Some people have a deficiency and to constantly bring this condition up to them is hateful, or what some people might refer to as being an utter douche.

douchebag jar

Paleness is a real disorder and you should show us some respect. You don’t know the struggle of getting sunburned while walking from your house to the car. You don’t understand the plight of wearing a bathing suit and having the sun literally blind people as it bounces off of your glowing legs. So until you understand the condition why don’t you not tell me about how you can cut me a deal on a tan…because I’m 28 and I’ve never had one.

2) Cats

Um….the f**k? Literally everybody who has spoken to me, read my blog, or come within 5 feet of me knows I HATE cats. If you somehow don’t know that then you can read all about it HERE. I hate them so much I actually close up my throat whenever I see them. Oh no wait, my throat closes off the flow of oxygen because cats are pure evil and even their hair is capable of murder. And yet Google is pretty sure I love them so much that I want to adopt a ton of the hairy little demons and Amazon is pretty convinced I should be buying toys for them daily. So again I say…the f**k?

I am going to try really hard to not be offended that the internet is suggesting that I become a cat lady. I am also going to fail at trying to do that because I REFUSE TO BE A CAT LADY, INTERNET! Why don’t you stop judging me with your suggestion.

And speaking of the internet suggesting I just lean into craziness…

3) Pajama Jeans

This one might actually be accurate. My hatred of pants, yet love of sweatpants make this one sort of scary accurate. But still I refuse. I’m pretty sure that if you actually order Pajama Jeans you also have to take up cross-stitch and join bingo. I’m fairly confident that’s written in the fine print. What makes this one so insulting though is the fact that they are emailing me every day. EVERY. DAY.

Dear Tracy,

We’ve noticed that you still haven’t ordered your Pajama Jeans! Wow, we’d hate for you to miss out on this opportunity. Based on our research we’ve found that you are right on the cusp of wanting to become a hermit, but still feeling guilty enough about that fact that you force yourself to occasionally go out amongst the real people. But whew, all that going out requires putting on actual pants and let’s face it, nobody has time for that! And who wants to deal with the judgey muffin tops of jeans on top of the emotional toil of leaving the house! Not us, that’s for sure. Wouldn’t it be great if you could just roll out of bed and be ready to take on your day? Well now you can because there are PAJAMA JEANS!!! Nobody will even know that you aren’t wearing actual jeans (so long as their vision is at least 16/20 or lower and you always keep moving). Because let’s face it, life is hard enough, but now it just got a heck of a lot easier. Pajama Jeans, one size fits all.


The company that thinks you’ve given up on life

Hey internet, I’m 28. I’m not a 47 year old shut-in watching Sleepless in Seattle on a loop while I talk to a person made of pillows stuffed into a jersey, so why don’t you just calm down a smidge. Um-kay pumpkin!


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This entry was published on October 27, 2014 at 7:07 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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