So I was talking to some people at work and I casually mentioned how I always check behind the shower curtain when I go into a bathroom…you know, to make sure there isn’t a murderer hiding there.
And I was surprised to find 4 pairs of stunned eyes watching me like I was the crazy one! Checking the shower for deranged killers is a perfectly normal thing. Everyone does it. The fact that these people don’t monitor for such things is frankly a bit reckless. It’s because of that sort of casual bathroom non-vigilance that restroom related fatalities are up 90% based on a statistic I made up for this post. Shower murderers: it’s an epidemic.
But that got me thinking: what other things am I doing that are completely justifiable and normal that you weirdos aren’t doing? So I’m just going to confess a bunch of things and I need you guys just to agree and tell me that you whole-heartedly concur with the wisdom of my actions because this-stuff-is-totally-normal-and-you-stop-judging-me-right-this-instant.
1) I get really irritated when I go to use the toilet paper and it’s facing the wrong way. The toilet paper should ALWAYS be rolled over, not under because that is anarchy! Also, sometimes I change your toilet paper if it’s wrong. You’re welcome.
2) I get ridiculously invested into the lives of fiction characters. According to Wikipedia it’s called:
Parasocial interaction (or para-social relationship) is a term used by social scientists to describe one-sided, “parasocial” interpersonal relationships in which one party knows a great deal about the other, but the other does not. The most common form of such relationships are one-sided relations between celebrities and audience or fans.
This is why I’m afraid to read Game of Thrones. I become super heavily emotionally involved with these people who “don’t even really exist”, as people yell at me when I tell them why I’m sad.
Me: “But you don’t understand, Peeta has been taken by the Capital and now he doesn’t love Katniss anymore!!!” (**sobbing**)
You: “The f**k? Tracy, I thought you were talking about something real. You’re telling me you’re depressed because your book just got sad? Those people aren’t even real! None of that stuff actually happened.”
Me: “You shut your damn mouth! I knew you wouldn’t understand. This is exactly like the Rhett and Scarlett thing!”
You: “Rhett and Scarlett are also not real.”
Me: “You just don’t understand true love! You heartless monster, why won’t you let me have my pain!”
3) When I see a car parked in 2 spaces I have the urge to scream “TOWANDA” and ram it with my car. My fear of raised insurance rates is the only thing that keeps me from carrying out this fantasy.
4) I wait to go to the gas station until the gas light comes on because then it feels like an emergency and it’s less painful to pay the money. If I pull in when I still have a quarter of a tank left I feel like a chump being conned out of my money. If I pull in on fumes with the gas light blinking than I feel like a champion, and a problem solver, and an all-American hero.
5) I think fries taste better in the car than they do any other place in the world. Side-note, however, is that any fries consumed in the car are referred to as “shame fries”. And they taste like joy…and high cholesterol.
6) I get ridiculously pumped to check the mail, then bummed out when there is no package or cards. Why don’t people mail things more? Based on my mailbox my most meaningful relationship is with Amazon. Amazon understands me and showers me with gifts.
7) Miley Cyrus is played a lot in my car, but One Direction is never allowed.
8) I’ve never dyed my hair, but secretly I want red hair like the Little Mermaid more than anything. Always have and always will.
9) When the lights go out while I’m in the bathroom my first thought is always “Oh no, Bloody Mary finally found me!” My friends and I were stupid kids and we played all of those damn slumber party games: Bloody Mary, Light as a feather-stiff as a board, and so on. And then afterwards I stayed awake when everyone else slept because
I am a complete wuss I am a hero and kept everyone alive. (Wow, a lot of these confessions are bathroom related)
10) I love to cuss. I f**king LOVE IT! (I know that probably offends some people who read this blog but I’m sorry, everyone gets a vice and since I’m like a freaking Amish person in the rest of my life I think you guys can give me this one little joy. I will keep bleeping with these little *** for you. F**k.)
11) I get crazy excited when NSYNC comes on the radio. All the windows go down and the volume goes up. Sightings of me dancing and singing like a crazy person in my car are rare, like chupacabra sightings. But when they occur organically in the wild they are spectacular to behold.
12) Whenever I see a BMW my first thought is “uh, they’re going to be a dick”. I have yet to be proven wrong.
13) Oh, and I don’t just check showers for murderers…I also check the backseat of my car, although I think hatchback related murders are exceedingly rare. But still, I remain vigilant. I also don’t stand directly beside my car before getting in, but rather stand about a foot away and take a big step in incase one of those mean gang members is under there. You know the ones who used to lay under cars and then they (cover your eyes mom and small children) would slice your heel so you couldn’t run away. Nobody’s getting murdered in, on, nor around my car! I am
paranoid a survivor.
Tell me I’m not crazy. You guys have to do some of these things too, right? Please? Bueller?