Your daily horoscope. Because sometimes thinking is hard and you need someone to tell you what to feel and how to behave. That is just a solid approach to life.
Disclaimer: I don’t know the dates that each of these signs encompass, so don’t be offended friends who think I’m writing about you specifically. I’m far too un-informed to insult you properly. I love you all, except for you Jack…you’re a dick)
Aries
Bald men are extremely lucky for you. Every time you see a bald man you need to kiss him straight on the lips. Then rub his head and run away because that’s molestation and you can be tried as an adult.
Taurus
You have fallen into a pattern this month. For every 2 good things that happen, 1 bad thing will follow. So like you get the front parking spot at Target and Starbucks accidentally makes you a Venti instead of a tall Pumpkin Latte, but then you get a flat tire. Or you win the Nobel Prize and then Oprah says hello to you on the street, but then you accidentally burn down your house.
Gemini
Lady Gemini, that guy is not going to change. For real, he’s just kind of a douche. Your friends were lying when they said they liked him, because for real his own mom doesn’t even really like him. What’s that? Oh you say he’ll change and that he can be really nice? Well then by all means, stick it out for 20 years and bear him children. That is a solid plan.
Male Geminis, you’re fine. Unless you’re that guy, in which case stop being such a douche.
Cancer
I don’t have the heart to write anything bad here. After all, your sign is CANCER…that’s like the ultimate “watch your back” label. Let’s see if we can counteract some of that bad ju-ju. Today you will be given money and gifts. You will get promoted at work and all your children will be well behaved (unless you don’t have children, in which case your gift is the constant free napping time that non-children having allows, so you know, YOU’RE WELCOME!). And you will also be able to eat all the carbs you want today without gaining weight. And you will…I don’t know…catch a leprechaun? And then after you answer his riddles he will lead you to his secret pot of gold, which is totally tax free income! That’s how leprechauns work, right? (Disclaimer: if this doesn’t happen today, it’s probably coming tomorrow, or the next day…it’s definitely coming so just keep waiting and try not to be bummed out that the universe gave you Cancer. Way to go universe!)
Leo
You should probably not leave the house today. Things are looking bleak all around for you Senor Leo, so pack it in early. Order a pizza (but have it delivered), close all the blinds and settle in with some 30 Rock on Netflix. Heed this advice or the consequences will be severe.
Virgo
You need to buy a lottery ticket today!! Your numbers are 65-23-15-01-89-64-67-90. What? Oh, there are only 5 numbers on the Power Ball? Well, then good luck to you. What do you want from me, I can’t do all the work! You have to live your own life! Okay, I’m sorry we fought. I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I just want you to step up and take the lead a little bit. No, I’m not nagging you. Why don’t you stop yelling at me, I’m only trying to help! Fine, you know what, don’t play the lottery!
Libra
You are as lovely as you are wise, which kind of sucks for the rest of us. Why don’t you pick one, because this isn’t totally fair. Why don’t you stop hoarding all of the good qualities and share some of that. I guess “selfless” isn’t one of your great qualities because otherwise you would realize how stingy you’re being.
Scorpio
You will write a blog and your friends and followers will share that blog on Facebook and Twitter. Then somebody who knows how to work Reddit will put you on there and you will get famous and be able to blog from the comfort of your pants-free home. Also, you still need to make your car payment for the month so go get on that.
Sagittarius
Watch out for Ebola. Apparently it’s about to cause a global pandemic. Wait, what’s that? Oh, I’ve just been informed that Ebola has always existed and there have been cases forever without it wiping out entire continents and turning the people into flesh eating zombies. In other news the media is out of control trying to scare people.
Capricorn
You will find love where you least expect it…unless you’re expecting to find it at that weird hipster coffee house down the street, because that’s exactly where it’s waiting. I know you hate that place because all the coffee names are long, rambling, iambic pentameter nightmares but the coffee is good since coffee is like a religion to those little hipsters, because let’s face it they don’t have a lot else going on other than writing moody poetry and taking pictures of their food. But love is waiting for you there. Now, don’t be put off if when you get there your soul mate is sitting with someone else already on a date; just pull up a chair, say “I’m sorry I took so long, I know you’ve been waiting for me for years”, then ask their original date to please leave for a while because they are totally interfering with destiny and that is just really rude. Gosh, some people have no manners whatsoever.
Aquarius
When the moon is in the Seventh House, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. (If you get that than we are officially best friends). So when all of those things line up perfectly you will have exactly 20 minutes to break through the space-time continuum and establish time travel as a reality. Please remain vigilant because we are all depending on you here, particularly those people who need to go back to that one day in college when I they were walking to my their car in the rain and wiped out landing ass first in a huge puddle which I they stayed sitting in for a solid minute thinking “Yup, this is one of the low points.” I they would like a do-over on that day.
Pisces.
Don’t speak to anyone named Brian this month. “B”’s are against you. Not like the actual bee that flies and stings. Wait, actually bees are kind of against everybody. They’re like flying, unpredictable weapons that startle easily and react poorly. Bees are jerks. So yeah, bees are definitely against you. And so are Brians. Beware of B’s!
You can take all this to the bank people, because my fortune cookie today validated every word I have ever said.
Feel free to be impressed with the sheer vastness of my future-knowingness. Let those feeling out friends!
for a rainy day 