There is a snake at my office. All you summer-lovin people, I hope you are enjoying snake season.
It all started 2 days ago. I was standing outside on the phone talking to my sister. Our building has a concrete planter that runs the entire length of the building. It starts out at ground level, and then slopes upward until it’s eye level. This is the unfortunate location I chose to stand. When I turned to wave I noticed an eye on me. Exactly one foot to my left, there he was. Sitting eye level with me, the snake waited to pounce. Now, I’m going to tell you that it was a black snake and some of you are going to want to dismiss the trauma, but that impulse is wrong. This one was a man eater. It looked straight into my soul.
(Hmmm, now that I’m thinking about it perhaps the snake was brought in by the company to discourage phone calls and/or smoke breaks. Diabolical.)
Anywho……….Luckily I escaped with my life, but legends of the encounter are now whispered through the halls of my office, in hushed reverent tones.
And today…he returned. Now that he has come back and is a recurring character in my life I feel it only appropriate to name the viscous bastard. Let’s call him El Diablo.
Diablo is getting braver. Clearly his thirst for blood has driven him to action, for this time he charged the front entrance to the building. Oh the screams that rang through our high acoustic ceilings!
The humanitarians among us refused my ardent demands that “somebody kill it now! I’m serious, kill it! I’ll buy you lunch for a month if you smash it”, which I screamed like a mob boss announcing a hit and demanding that they bring me the head of my enemy. Sooo, they ventured out to reason with the beast. However, evil does not negotiate and the animal escaped back into its hole…waiting.
Thirsty for blood the animal devised a different plan to get me. He slithered around to the side of the building where my desk sits. So after several hours of people insisting that my conspiracy theory was a tad “ridiculous” I ventured back out. And 2 seconds later (literally) El Diablo was upon me once again. It was at that point that I swiftly jumped onto the iron rail of our ramp. Don’t believe me? Well lucky for you skeptics out there my coworker Kimmie is a quick draw with her phone. Here, enjoy:
Now I don’t know where all of you people got the notion that there is something called a “good snake”, but you have been misled! You know who else liked snakes? Lord Voldermort…just saying.
Their main defense of the creature was that snakes eat mice. “Tracy, wouldn’t you rather have a snake than mice?” Hmmm, let’s think about that together…
or a snake?…
During this second brazen attack the beast dove at the glass door in front of me (further proof that these assaults have turned personal). At this point I was able to get a clear photo of the monster.
I saw it swallow a squirrel whole, spit out it’s bones, and then wink at me. True story.
So, since nobody in my office was willing to kill it, I have devised a plan. I am going to obtain a mongoose and release it into the environment. It will hunt the snake and then cause no other adverse effects to the environment. Win-win! Or maybe I’ll get a honey badger…those things will eat anything. They do what they want!
[don’t watch this video if you’re easily offended]
But alas, the snake wins yet another day. Damn you nature. His little hole is six feet from our front door…an automatic door I might add that stays open most of the day. And so I sit at my desk like this, waiting for El Diablo to come for me—
Be careful out there friends. Walk in pairs. String mothballs on a necklace like pearls and wear them daily. Carry a torch. Whatever you have to do to fight back against this biblical plague of snakes that has descended on us all!
Pingback: The Women Of Reddit Tell Us The Weirdest Things They’ve Ever Masturbated With | Times of Education