Adults and quasi-adults. You may have noticed that the streets, malls, movies, stores, and other public gathering places have been overtaken by a parade of neon-wearing surly looking individuals. These people are referred to as “hipsters” and they are a fascinating species.
Friends, the hipsters are a strange and sometimes intimidating bunch for those of us on the outside. Yet, they are steadily taking over the country and thus we must figure out a way to coexist and acclimate ourselves into their world. I know it seems a daunting task to those of us who find the trying-to-look-like-we’re-not-trying lifestyle exhausting. However, it seems that those trendy little curmudgeons are here to stay, and possibly take over the world with their tech savvy.
You may be asking yourself: “but how can we identify these hipsters?” Truly they are a wily bunch, but most can be identified by their brightly colored neon clothes and accessories, their discontented scowls and their reading glasses that serve absolutely no purpose. If you identify two or more of those attributes you’ve most likely got yourself a hipster.
So how can you, an average adult and/or semi-adult, blend into a hipster world? Please, allow me help.
1) Travel in packs
Hipsters are pack animals and they thrive in groups. A hipster alone is vulnerable and easily picked off by the stronger members of society. However, in a pack they become confident and boisterous. In large numbers the hipsters take on an unbreakable mentality. For this reason, in order to properly fit in with the hipsters you need to join one of their tribes.
2) Coffee Shops and Gin Bars
Looking for a tribe? Explore every coffee shop with a ridiculous name or trendy underground bar you can find. The newer the club and older the building the better. Happy hunting!
3) Show no emotion
This is key. Expressions and feelings are the natural enemy of the hipster. They adopt a demeanor of disinterest or general melancholia. So when those pesky emotions bubble up you have got to fight them. Feeling happy? Push it down. Find something funny? Fight it!
4) Musical knowledge
Music is a key part of any hipster’s life. They use music to communicate with each other and to express themselves. Now, you may be thinking “that’s perfect, I like music too!” But wait, it’s a trap! Not only is music an important communication tool, it is also used as an evaluation tool. You see, the hipster can’t like just any music. They thrive of obscure bands and unknown artists with ridiculous band names. This can be tricky to the impostor or outsider, but I have perfected a way around it. If you are stuck during a conversation about bands and they are on to your fraud simply make up the name of a fake band, drop it into the conversation, and then say in your most condescending tone “Oh, you’ve never heard of them? Well, I guess they aren’t mainstream enough.” They may make you their leader. Can’t think of a fake name? I’ve perfected that as well. Mash up random nonsensical words, preferably a sad adjective+random item+ an activity. For example: Lonely Biscuit Jamboree, or Floppy Nevada Relay. My personal favorite fake band name is The Solo Hamstrings.
Irony is a dear friend of the hipster. And this comes in handy for you as well as the hipster-imposter. You see, as a hipster you are trained not to genuinely like most things, but the loophole is that you are allowed to like those same things as long as you are being ironic. The more ridiculous the thing, the more you are allowed to pretend that you like it. So bring out the weird Spongebob t-shirts and parachute pants. Embrace the ridiculous.
6) Wear bright colors
Hipsters, like peacocks, love to flash their vibrant colors. While the peacock displays it’s beautiful colors, the hipster blinds you with neon. Blending in goes against the hipster’s very nature as they are most comfortable as the center of attention.
Yes, I know you hate them. Everybody does, including hipsters. The hip, however, gorge on the docs so that they can work them into casual conversations. You’re going to hate it, simple as that. Regardless, it’s important that you watch as many as possible. Hipsters love knowing obscure facts that they can drop into conversations.
This can be tricky. Being “awkward” is a badge of honor worn by the hipster. However, make no mistake, this awkwardness is only theoretical. Allow me to explain. Stories about times in the past when you have down something awkward are conversational gold. Yet actual awkwardness in real time are not endearing. For example, spilling your drink while falling down the stairs at a party is not a good thing, but telling a story about spilling your drink while falling down the stairs at some point in the past is hilarious. So be awkward in theory, but never in person.
Like music, they use instagram and other pictorial media to communicate. Like ancient tribes communicated through smoke signals and carrier pigeons, hipsters of today communicate through filtered pictures of their coffee cups and photos of them walking away layered with inspirational quotes.
10) Never age past 25
This one is going to be tricky. Hipsters fear age, for with is comes things like business casual attire and mortgage payments. Hipsters live in constant fear of those things. Like most humans, however, you will continue to age. So I suggest heavy moisturizing and practiced lying about your age. This will likely buy you several extra years.
So you’ve followed these steps and have been accepted into a hipster tribe. Congratulations are in order to you dear friend for that was no easy task!
But what do you do now that you’ve found your way into the tribe? I’m not going to lie friend, it’s going to be hard work. You have to constantly stay on top of the latest drinks, trends, fads, and what is no longer cool. You have to YOLO it up, until YOLOing is no longer cool, then you must shun the YOLOers.
And trends change constantly, so you must remain vigilant. If you slip up the hipsters can and will destroy you. So be strong dear friend. Be careful. And whatever you do, above all else, be the worst.