Welp, my sister Lauren just left again. She and Mason were here for 2 weeks for Christmas and today they went back to the wasteland of Oklahoma.
So I’m coping, just like I always do, in a healthy mature way…
Now you may remember that the last time she left, when she officially moved to Oklahoma, I coped by becoming a temporary hermit and power watching all of the Harry Potter movies in a 3 day span while I ate my feelings. It was fantastic. If you are new here you can read those here:
It was a fantastic 3 days and it actually did help. So I’m sad again…let’s do this thing.
I had planned to watch the Twilight movies (all you haters go ahead and judge…you done?…okay than we can move forward), but I promised my friend Amanda I would save that marathon for her. So I opted this time for the saga of LORD OF THE RINGS.
It’s gonna be fun…probably. Let’s find out together!
Let me set the scene for you friends. It’s rainy and freezing outside (which some of you probably hate but I LOVE! There is nothing better than a lazy, rainy day where you can watch movies, drink tea, snuggle with a blanket and puppy, and nap…hence the name of my blog). There is peppermint tea, chinese takeout, and all 3 of the longest movies ever. 8% of you just thought “awh, that’s sad”, but the other 92% correctly said, “gah, that sounds awesome!” And it is, it truly truly is!
So without further ado, we shall begin. If it’s been a while since you’ve seen the movies, here are the spark notes to get you started:
Movie 1: The Fellowship of the Ring
Okay, you need to know that I am going to spell names/places wrong and you need to be okay with it. The names are crazy and I just don’t care enough to look them all up. The first person who corrects my spelling, I am going to drive to your house and punch you straight in the face…unless you don’t live within 20 minutes of me, then I guess you’re safe. Grammar nerd.
- Ready to feel old? This movie came out 12 years ago…2001. Just let that settle in for a minute. Let’s see, I was a Freshman in High School.
- Okay, the movie opens with Cate Blanchett creepily narrating about doom and global enslavement. It’s a real cheery start. I think it should be noted that in this speech where she explains where the rings came from and who they were given to, her view is a little biased. When describing the elves (which she is-and her face is flashed up on the screen) she describes them as the wisest and most beautiful of all. Then the descriptions get a smidge more insulting: the dwarves she says are miners who hide out in the mountain, and the men/mortals she says just want power. I’m not totally sure there’s any basis for that-
…I stand corrected.
- Why in the world did these people take all of these rings? From the sounds of it Sauron (the guy with the glowing disembodied eye) was always kind of a jerk. Why would they take the rings? I guess Sauron liked it so he put a ring on it.
- Welp, 5 minutes in and Bilbo and Gandalf are smoking what he openly says is weed. Help me out Tolkien, is that some Elfish/Middle Earth word for tobacco, bc here in the world of your readers it just means weed. Hang on, is this whole story like Alice in Wonderland, where you see the smoking caterpillar and the whole story is told like his trip? Did Frodo ever really leave the Shire or is Bilbo having a tripped out dream? Hmmm…
- So this is apparently the ring that cures commitment phobia. 2 seconds holding it and you are never willing to give it up.
- Why do all of the hobbits have permed hair?
- Shut it down folks, Bilbo just delivered the greatest movie line I think ever: “I don’t know half of ya half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of ya half as well as you deserve.” He said that to their faces! And he said it in such a snarky yet cheerful way that they didn’t even really know they had been insulted. Bilbo, you are now my hero.
- But as that speech progresses he gets more and more twitchy looking. Kind of whacked out and crazy, like he’s about to go on a killing rampage…which is funny to me because the only other movie I remember this guy from is From Hell, where he plays Jack the Ripper.
- Gandalf proves to have what I might consider one of the most useful life talents. When he is angered he can change the lighting of the room to reflect his mood…um, how do I get a hold of that skill? [Lights dim as my voice deepens]–>”Who used all of the toilet paper and left the new roll sitting on the empty cardboard roll?” Nevermind, apparently if I had the skill I would abuse it.
- Hold the phone- Sauron has bound his life force to this ring, so even though he is “dead” he can still come back to life…you mean like a horcrux?…Like in Harry Potter? I sure do love some Harry Potter.
- Peter Jackson, I have a major problem with your movies. How come ALL of the dialogue is either whispered or shouted over loud music and opera singing? I hate you for that. I mean seriously, it’s like watching a Nicholas Cage movie.
- The volume button on my remote is worn down and you now personally owe me a new one. I’ll expect it in the mail within the next 7-10 business days.
- Gandolf looks like an old hippie. Maybe Frodo shouldn’t be following him around.
- This has nothing to do with the movies, but I want you to know that my dog is wearing her snuggie for the marathon. Yes, she has a dog snuggie. Yeah, I paid for it. We’re all very happy with the purchase here.
- These “dark riders” who are chasing Frodo and are so in tune with the ring that they can sense it, must be deaf. The hobbits are literally 20 feet from them talking in a normal voice and they don’t see them? Should they have guide dogs instead of horses? I’m just saying, they aren’t quite so diabolical.
- There’s one thing I really don’t understand. Every name and location in these books/movies is so creative and imaginative (ie-Rivendell, Galadriel, Rohan), but the mountain is named Mount Doom? For real? Mount Doom, that’s what we’re going with? MOUNT DOOM, THE HOME OF SUPER VILLIAN, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.
- I think Dwarves are racist. I’m just saying, he doesn’t even want to sit beside the Elf. That’s like some civil rights back of the bus bull s**t.
- I just started a tally of all the times that Frodo is killed/mortally wounded. I’ll let you know at the end.
- I really want to go to New Zealand
- Since the elves are making all of these magical things like glowing swords and weightless armor, you’d think they could conjure up a way to make the hobbits some shoes.
- Does it concern anyone else that Elijah Wood isn’t aging at a normal human rate?
- Gimli the dwarf is obnoxious. Whenever he speaks I have to quickly glance at the ceiling-
- Movies with archery bother me. Not in an ethical way, but in a mathematical way===you have like 8 arrows on your back…you’ve killed 1,027, 654, 879, 432 people. It doesn’t make any sense and my brain hurts. Come on Legolas/Katniss/Hawkeye/Robin Hood.
- Is this ring adjustable? It seems to fit everyone perfectly and last time I checked rings are not one size fits all.
- I changed the audio to Spanish when Gimli the dwarf talks now–makes his character much more interesting.
- I wish the cave troll looked like this:
- Hey fellowship, maybe you guys wouldn’t have to run so much if you would quit stopping in dangerous situations to explain why they are dangerous. “Everyone stop, the hallway is glowing like it’s on fire–wait–it’s a demon–wait–it’s dangerous–wait–RUN!”
- The demon Gandalf fights on the bridge (you shall not pass) looks EXACTLY like Zule, the demon from Ghostbusters that lives in the fridge. EXACTLY!!!
- Oh my gosh, maybe the fridge is a portal to Middle Earth!?!
- Before Gandalf falls he says “Fly you fools!” Remember that, it’s going to be important later.
- (Warning: homeschooling joke coming; this only applies to the weirdly, extreme homeschool families.)
- I wonder if extreme homeschooling families used this movie as a cautionary tale? “Do you see what happens out in the world? They were all safe at home in the Shire, then they went out in the world and everyone died”.
- Out of the original 9, 2 are “dead”. Not great odds remaining 7, we still have 2 movies to get through. You better hurry up and make yourselves indispensable to the plot.
- Oh my gosh these movies are long. We’re almost done with movie 1. Hang in there, don’t stop reading!! Frodo can’t stop so neither can you.
- Boromir dies and he gets a Viking funeral in the boat and over the waterfall. FYI, that is how I want to go out.
- Cut to Frodo standing on the shore. The whole fellowship is fighting and dying so you can escape–way to just be standing there.
- There is just an awful lot of bromance in these movies. I mean heartfelt speeches and meaningful looks. All that’s missing is the exchange of BFF necklaces and braid in each others hair.
- Movie 1 over. Confession: when I first saw this movie I didn’t know it was a trilogy and I thought, “wow, what a crappy ending.” Live and learn.
Movie 2: The Two Towers
- The second/middle movie of a Trilogy always turns out to be my favorite. There is no back story and no wrap up, it’s just all action.
- Movie 2 kicks off…in the past. We’re back on the bridge and Gandalf is fighting Zule again, but this time it’s longer.
- You know what Frodo, you don’t deserve Sam.
- I think Gollum has multiple personality disorder
- You have to be really in shape to live in Middle Earth. They are always running
- And here we go with the talking trees. He’s going to be telling us for the rest of the movie how nobody cares about the trees. Hasn’t he ever heard of the Lorax? The Lorax speaks for the trees.
- Frodo has trouble focusing. I think he may have ADD. He’s constantly wandering and staring off at nothing. He might need to get some medication for that.
- Now the dark riders are riding a dragon, and I personally like to think that it is this dragon, Albi:
- Um, Gimli just saw something on a leaf and tasted it to see if it was blood. Turns out it was. Enjoy your hepatitis.
- Gandalf is alive!
- It always baffles me how in action movies whenever the extras or bad guys get bumped or nudged they fall over dead, meanwhile the heroes have been shot, stabbed and are now missing a limb but they fight on.
- I like to imagine that Buddy the Elf is one of the elves in these movies. What is elfish for “I just like to smile”?
- Seriously, with the trees!!! I was complaining about them via text and my friend Scott mentioned this:
- Spoiler alert: Cate Blanchett tells us Frodo is going to die. Thanks a lot.
- Geez, more trees! Here, go back and look at that picture of a tree again for the next half hour. I guarantee it will be more exciting than their scenes in the movie.
- Everyone in these movies has long hair. Makes it hard to tell the men and the women apart.
- Then my friend Scott sent me this text
- Oh wow, the trees are better in Spanish too. I just fixed the movie! You’re welcome Peter Jackson.
- I forgot Frodo was in this movie. Haven’t seen him in literally an hour.
- I like Viggo
- And then the second movie ends with an encouraging speech from Samwise.
Movie 3: Return of the Jedi King
- Scott sent me another picture:
- I seriously think Smeagle/Gollum has whooping cough
- Hang on, Gandalf can repel the enemy and their dragons just by raising his scepter? You think maybe he should have whipped that out earlier?
- I feel bad for the extras in these movies who had to wear all of that Orc makeup.
- There aren’t enough men to fight, so Aragorn is going into the haunted mountain to recruit the entire cast of Pirates of the Caribbean
- I think this is the giant spider from Harry Potter. Is it possible that Hogwarts and Middle Earth are next to each other?
- I didn’t watch the spider part. I really hate spiders. I took that time to catch up on Facebook.
- TOO MANY STORYLINES HAPPENING AT ONCE
- Whenever they show that giant eye I hear the song “I always feel like somebody’s watching me”
- Okay, remember when I told you Gandalf’s line “Fly, you fools” would come back in to play. In the last battle scene we find out there are these giant eagles that can, you know, fly. As in save you from walking through hard terrain and battles. As in carry Frodo to Mount Doom in like an hour. Those eagles exist. That could have happened. Just saying.
- Gollum bites Frodo’s finger off. Eww. I think I must have blocked that out. For real, ewww.
- I think Gollum should star in an episode of My Strange Addiction. Being addicted to a ring would definitely qualify.
- Oh look, the eagles are rescuing Frodo. So they CAN fly to Mount Doom. I don’t know why they are just showing up here at the end. They must be French. Can eagles be French, that doesn’t feel right.
- But wait, just when you think everyone lives happily ever after…nope. Frodo and Bilbo and Gandalf are “dead” and they sail off into the distance. BTW- the final count of the “how many times did Frodo die” was 4.
- But the ending is still happy because Sam gets the girl. Go ahead on Samwise.
Whew, all done!!!! My sister and Mason are still in Oklahoma but I feel a little better. For the next marathon I’m thinking Godfather, so we have that to look forward to the next time I’m having a pity party! Wooohoo, silver lining!!!
for a rainy day 
Personally, I always thought Legolas deserved the title “Captain Obvious” for his insightful comments about destinations, the weather, and diversions. But that’s just me.