A funny thing happens when you watch a bunch of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit—–You realize that everyone is trying to kill you. This realization doesn’t come immediately during the first 2 or 3 episodes, but by episode 7 you can clearly see that everybody is out to get you. How did you end up watching 7 consecutive episodes of SVU? Totally accidentally; that show is addictive and time passes at light speed when you’re engrossed in that show.
It’s also episode 7 where the real inability to leave the house settles in and you seriously consider becoming an agoraphobic.
For the next few days after SVU binge watching I turn into an investigator and I am watching everybody. Outdoors I’m walking to my car with my keys fisted in my knuckles, a technique they teach us in Durham. The real danger, though, is indoors. We’ve all been in the shower and heard a random noise that can only be a murderer sneaking into your home. Don’t you judge me you rational, sane adult, we’ve all had that moment of panic, looking around for something to defend ourselves with. Thank goodness that bottle of shampoo is there to be used as a weapon. Then the next thought is always “I sure don’t want the police to find my murdered body in the shower with shampoo in my hair, I’d always planned to go out like this:”
A few years ago I got sucked in to a day of casual SVU watching…6 hours later I bought a taser so I could safely rejoin the world. You think that I’m joking about that last statement because I make a lot of ridiculous statements but this one is 100% truth. It’s charged and it is always on my person. Go ahead, try to sneak up on me in an alley now.
So let me tell you about the time I knew I was in an episode of SVU. I was in Virginia for a wedding. I booked a hotel that morning 5 minutes before I got in the car and didn’t read anything about it. Super planning once again Tracy! At the rehearsal dinner somebody asked me where I was staying, and as I relayed the address all of the color drained from her face, leaving only sheer horror. It was the same face I got to see over and over on the face of each family member as they found out where I was staying, followed by a “No, you can’t stay there, especially not by yourself.” They even offered to drive me over there as a group to get my stuff. Apparently I had booked a room in Compton. Now, don’t get me wrong, I really didn’t want to get raped and/or murdered, but I’d also already paid and I’m cheap. Sooooooo… I get to the hotel by myself, taser firmly in hand, and then I realized something: “Hang on…I’m standing in a vacant parking lot…dark mysterious bushes on each side…I’m about to find and/or become a dead body.” Well, not today murderer! So I ran to my room and moved every piece of furniture not bolted down against the door so I could sleep. Imagine the surprise on the maids face when she tried to open my door the next morning. It was hilarious. But because of my SVU training everybody survived! Thank you Law and Order.
It would be different if the SVU writers were just demented weirdos who thought up all of this horrible stuff. Then we could all sleep soundly at night so long as the writers didn’t live next door to us. But the thing about SVU is that the episodes are based on our ACTUAL NEWS STORIES. That is f***ing terrifying. It has been on for 15 seasons and 341 episodes of horrific, mostly true stories from our actual news. Go ahead, try to sleep tonight now.
SVU has also caused me to question all of my instincts. Follow me here. Ten minutes in to an episode we always have a key suspect and we know he did it because all signs always point to him. But the thing is, IT’S NEVER HIM! Nooooo!!!!!! But I was so certain!!! It’s never the first guy because there’s still 50 minutes of show left so we need a few more plot twists. “Well, all signs point to this guy being guilty, and he looks guilty with his scowl and hook for a hand and so forth. Every sign points to this first guy being guilty, so odds are it’s not him and it’s really the totally innocent looking guy right next to him wearing Dockers and a polo.” Damn you SVU, I don’t trust my instincts anymore. Hence forth I will only trust all shady looking characters and distrust all wholesome looking individuals. Because after several hours of Law & Order viewing we now know that it’s the second suspect brought in for questioning that is always guilty. Unless of course the second suspect is working with the first suspect to throw the cops off the trail…
NOBODY CAN BE TRUSTED! I know this because on one of the episodes Bob Saget was the murderer. That’s right, Danny Tanner! In case you didn’t have a childhood, Danny Tanner was the dad on Full House. Well in this episode Danny Tanner killed 2 people; there’s an episode of Full House that never aired.
Seriously, SVU is where the stars you loved as a child come to play deviants and ruin your fond memories of them. So as I’m watching Bob Saget confess to murder I was legitimately waiting for the Full House “we’re about to learn a lesson” music to cue up, where Danny Tanner hugs Michelle and explains the moral of the episode. I just knew that at any moment the music would play, then he would going to give Stabler a hug and say, “Yes, I did in fact kill my wife and my neighbors wife, but I think what we learned here is that you never cheat on your husband with his friend, because sometimes he snaps and murders everybody. Now let’s go get some milk and cookies and put this behind us.”
I get mixed messages about New York, where the show is set. There are a lot of shows set in NYC and they seem to be presenting very different ideas of what NYC is actually like. I think all of those shows should be combined to give a more authentic view of New York…in fact…here we go:
In this episode of Law & Order: SVU the body of Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother has been found in Central Park (because I love that show but I genuinely hate Ted; he’s a whiny jerk and every time he speaks my fist shakes it wants to hit his face so bad).
We find out that Ted has been sleeping with Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, because let’s face it, those ladies are sleeping with everyone in NYC.
Stabler and Benson get a tip from a token ghetto informant on the street. Enter: New York, from I Love New York!
She has info that Carrie was seen with Ross from Friends and the rumor is that they had an affair. But it’s okay, because it was while he and Rachel were on a break. But Ross was ruled out as a suspect for 2 reasons. 1) He’s the first suspect so of course it’s not him and 2)he’s just not intimidating…like at all
But Ross does have a bit of info. Carrie was also having an affair with Trump
Now Trump is a great suspect because not only does he seem to have a temper and something to constantly prove, but he also has crazy amounts of money which in SVU (and life in general) just seems to turn people in to douche bags.
So we know Trump did it but we just don’t have the evidence. The lawyers are walking around the precinct saying generic things like “do your job detective” and/or “that won’t hold up in court”.
Luckily Liz Lemon shows up with a key piece of evidence that seals the case. We knew she would come through because she’s the greatest human being ever.
Turns out Trump was jealous and killed Ted Mosby, then had the cast of The Apprentice stage the crime scene as one of their competitive tasks. Someone is definitely getting fired.
The case is solved and Benson and Stabler walk into the sunset.
Oh Stabler, you’re the best, don’t ever change you beautiful, beautiful man.
Whew…I think I just won an Emmy!