Dating is supposed to be fun, but that’s a lie. Dating is the worst. It’s uncomfortable. You think it’s going to be witty banter and smooth flirting, but it’s really an interrogation and awkward silences.
3 months into a relationship, that’s the fun time. That’s when you get to this point:
- You already know that you like each other and give each other the warm-fuzzies
- You have a few inside jokes and you know the other person’s preferences on a few basic things
- You don’t have to ask rapid fire questions in a desperate “I have to learn everything about you as quick as I can”
- Nobody is showing off anymore or trying to impress you every second
First dates are especially painful to me. They always start off ok. You walk in looking all good and confident
But then they usually take a pretty swift turn. And why is that? Oh that’s right, because you’re sitting across from a STRANGER!!! You don’t know this person that you now have to talk to. Sure, they could be magnificent, but that’s just not how it usually plays out. And even if you do know them and you started out as friends it’s still uncomfortable changing from friends to dating.
And so begins the get-to-know-you chat. It’s long, and it’s painful, and it involves a lot of acting amazed by any and all similarities. (“wow, you like peanut butter, so do I! How amazing, I thought I was the only one!”)
And if you guys are eating, enjoy talking between bites, or:
Coffee, always go out for coffee!!! It is impossible to carry on small talk while trying to eat. It’s not cute, it’s not smart. Just don’t.
So you’re a little ways in to the date and conversation is actually flowing, but without fail that conversation is going to come to a screeching halt. Either a waiter will come up, or a phone will ring, or some racket will distract. When that happens and that convo halts, good luck, because it cannot just be jumpstarted again: you’re starting over.
SOOO, about midway through it’s going okay. You’re still uncomfortable, but he hasn’t revealed any serial killer tendencies so you decide to proceed.
But all that is assuming that you are sitting across from a moderately normal individual. That has not been my experience. So here’s the fun rant: what happens when the whole date is just the worst?…
Before I proceed, let me just say that yes, I know that men are all different and they are each a special little snowflake individual unto themselves. That being said, let’s have some fun with stereotypes! (These are all based loosely on guys I have dated and any resemblance to people who might read this are because I’m not good at misdirection).
oh you know the type. He is God’s gift to humanity and he is honoring you with his presence. But don’t worry if you forget that fact because he will absolutely remind you! He’s cocky and he will do most of the talking, so just sit back and make a mental grocery list while he enjoys his own company.
The Nervous Guy—
He just won’t calm down. He’s probably been going over exactly how the evening should play out in his mind all week. If anything goes wrong he is going to have a meltdown. He’s also got a list of questions and topics already prepared so just let him have it. Oh, and expect a call or text almost as soon as you get in your car.
The Best Friend Guy—
Right, that’s the dream isn’t it? Wrong. That person knows everything about you and has seen you at your worst, but now you’re trying to change the whole context of the relationship and that is hard work!!! So buckle up camper, it’s going to be uncomfortable.
The Eye Candy Guy—
No pretense here, you have no actual connection with this guy, he just makes your eyes happy and so when he asked you stuttered out a “Ssssuure”
So you reach a certain point in the date and you’re trying to figure out a way to politely shut it down, because it’s Saturday and Saturday is, well…
so you fiddle with your keys or check the time on your phone, and eventually the point is taken. You go out to your car, and after you skillfully avoid this-
you dive into your car and finally get to go home.
It’s over, Congratulations!