My entire philosophy to handling life problems (and the general overwhelming responsibilities of being an adult) can be 100% summed up in the mantra: “If I just ignore this, it will probably solve itself, right?”
Like, you know how when you are attacked by a T-Rex, how you’re supposed to remain completely still because if you don’t move it can’t see you? That is also essentially the exact approach that I have for surviving the perils of adulting.
Wait, what do you mean that’s not a healthy approach? Look, if you want to come over here and steer this ship, you are more than welcome to it. I’ve got a box of bills and financial statements safely stored in the freezer that somebody needs to address, and I’m….
Now, where were we? Oh that’s right, you were skeptical of how an adult human person cannot handle very basic, minor life-stresses so you wanted to see the scientific data. Well, here you are darlings:
And I say all of that just to preface the story that I am about to tell you………. because it’s……..not great. It’s REALLY not great, and also I wanted you to have the context so you’d be feeling all sympathetic-ish and less likely to say “What’s is wrong with you Combs?” Is that how you are feeling yet, before we continue? If not, you should really look into pre-ordering my upcoming book:
So now, after all of that rambling where I try to make it sound cuter that I’m unable to handle my life, we move on to our story. And this story starts in the same place that so many other tales of woe and sorry begin: at the Department of the Motor Vehicles.
I had been putting a certain issue with my registration off, and it somehow got COLOSSALLY away from me! See if you can follow how I lost control of this situation:
- I need to pay my registration.
- Oh, but first I need to get an inspection.
- Damn, my break light went out. Well, I have go get that fixed before I can get the inspection.
- <<Immediately gets distracted and forgets to get break light fixed>>
- Oh no, my registration was due yesterday! Oh well, now I probably have to pay a fine.
- I’ll deal with this tomorrow. (Tomorrow, if you are new to this blog, is a mythical land where things magically get accomplished)
- <<<4 months later>> Dammit, I forgot all about this whole situation!
- Now I’m super anxious and am not even remotely able to handle this situation. Where is the cookie dough?
- Well now too much time has passed and the fine is probably ASTRONOMICAL! It would probably just be easier to become an outlaw and live off the grid from now on. This situation is clearly irreparable.
- <<forgetting about the situation completely again until a full year has passed….because I’m very responsible>>
- Repeat the shame and denial of the prior steps for a bit longer.
- Finally sucking it up and driving to the blasted DMV to see how badly I had ruined my life…..
ME: “Soooooo, I have a problem. It turns out that through a series of events I managed to not pay my registration from last year or get my inspection, and I’m pretty sure I owe you guys like a million dollars in fines and probably some jail time, and I’m sorry and sorry some more.”
DMV Lady: “Um, you don’t owe us anything.”
Me: “But I’m pretty sure that’s not true, and also that I’m mostly an outlaw at this point.”
DMV Lady: “Your old license plate isn’t valid so you’ll have to get a new one, but no, we can’t charge you fees on something that is expired, and that plate expired a year ago.”
Me: “Hang on. So you’re telling me that not only is there no penalty that’s been building for the last year which I now have to pay? But also, I didn’t have to back-pay that old registration and inspection cost and I essentially just took a year off from being a person and there are no consequences for this?”
DMV Lady: “I mean, if you had gotten pulled over it definitely would have cost you a fortune. But yeah, that’s correct.”
Me: “Hang on. Based on everything I know about life occasionally being a trash-monster of destruction, I do not understand what is happening right now. You’re telling me that even though I mucked this up to a level I didn’t even know I was CAPABLE, there are no consequences or awful surprises about to rain down on me?”
DMV Lady: “I mean, did you get your break light fixed?”
DMV Lady: “Did you get your inspection?”
Me: “Also yes.”
DMV Lady: “Alright. Then bye.”
Me: <genuinely confused by the non-awfulness happening at the DMV> “I…. I’m afraid that I’m learning all the wrong lessons from this…….”
I should note that this happened almost 3 years ago. However, I didn’t write about it then because I was still like 68% worried that the DMV would find me and decide they were going to charge me a million dollars and that also I owe them my first born son…. because in my mind the DMV is also Rumplestiltskin. So I waited to post about this, mostly because I still didn’t believe it worked out, and also because when I called my mom and told her about this she said, “WAIT, what do you mean you have been driving around for a year with a break light out and no registration and an expired plate!!!!” and then she also said to maybe wait to blog this so as to not piss off the DMV. Actually, what is the statute of limitations on minor driving related frauds?