My family and I were on a Disney cruise celebrating my lovely sister’s 30th birthday, and we were busy enjoying a wonderful day on the ship as we lounged by the pool and ate food shaped like Mickey Mouse’s face. After several hours of fun (and me putting on a gallon of sunscreen every 30 minutes to keep my albino-vampire skin from bursting into flame), we decided to head back to our cabin for a bit.
But when we got back to our room and looked at our door, what we found was…
(okay, so it didn’t look EXACTLY like that. Technically that is the hatch from LOST, but I forgot to take a picture of the actual door because I was so surprised by finding caution tape on a door that also had Mickey Mouse’s face on it. That was irresponsible of me and I apologize. I am deeply ashamed. So, imagine that exact door pictured above, but with a smiling Mickey Mouse wearing a sailor’s hat)
Our room was on lockdown, pending investigation by men in hazmat suits.
Alas, what we did not know at the time was that any time blood is found in a room aboard a cruise ship, that room is immediately quarantined. This was unfortunate news for us, because earlier that very morning my nephew had a nosebleed. Now, for most people that situation would involve a tissue, tilting your head back for a few minutes, and then forgetting that it happened altogether because the event was so insignificant. My nephew, however, is like some sort of unbreakable superhero demigod who never gets sick or hurt or burdened by mortal problems. So on the extremely rare occasion that something DOES finally go wrong, it goes profoundly wrong. So when I say my nephew experienced a little childhood nosebleed, what you should know is that this blasted experience lasted for a solid freaking hour and there was a LOT of blood, and the casualties included all of the complimentary towels in our room, 2 boxes of tissues, and one Mickey t-shirt which was offered up as sacrifice. And of course, it left the floor of our blood splattered, towel littered bathroom looking like a crime scene.
Now, there are many things in this world that I haven’t yet learned. One of those things I didn’t know on this particular day was that apparently cruises are the vacation destination-of-choice for murdering spouses, mobsters, and all manner of discerning criminals who need to get rid of a body…
So when the staff came to clean our room that day and found huge amounts of blood (which was freaking EVERYWHERE) they quarantined our room immediately. Then the process became: (A) identify that all persons staying in this room are in fact alive and still on board, and (B) make sure nobody in this room is patient zero for some awful new Caribbean plague. This is what the nice man in the sterile body suit told us as he answered our door with blood on his gloves and fear in his eyes.
Soooooooooo, yeah. I’m not really sure how to wrap this thing up now. I guess all I’ll say is this: Disney cruises are SUPER fun…………………. so long as your room isn’t splattered in blood. Also, if you and you’re spouse aren’t particularly getting along and then all of a sudden they suggest you take a cruise, you probably shouldn’t go on that.