This massive, angry thunderstorm came in Friday night and woke me up. And it knocked out my internet somehow even though my power never went out. So I called Time Warner Cable at 2:34am… because I make terrible decisions.
Representative #1: “Try unplugging it and replugging it back in.”
Me: “Yes, I’ve already done that several times before I called you because I am not new to this process.”
Rep #1: “If you could unplug everything we can try again.”
Me: <<angry sighing, because my voice emits at a register or tone that men cannot hear>> “Okay, everything is unplugged and now it’s back together.”
Rep #1: “Okay, that didn’t appear to help.”
Me: “Imagine that!”
*****I am told no less than 8 more times to unplug the equipment and replug it all back in… because that is the extent of customer support training apparently*****
Rep #1: “Okay ma’am, I am going to contact dispatch and a technician should be there in the morning.”
*****12 hours later; nobody is here so I call back*****
Rep #2: “I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles. Have you tried unplugging it and replugging it back in?”
Me: “So so many times.”
Rep #2: “If you could just unplug it I think we should be able to get this fixed for you.”
Me: “Why? Do you have some sort of magical power that the rest of the company doesn’t possess?”
Rep #2: <<confused silence, as if that comment isn’t anywhere on his script>>
Me: “I’m not calling to troubleshoot, I’m calling to ask why the technician never showed up and I haven’t gotten a call confirming my appointment.”
Rep #2: “Well, there is nothing in the notes on your account about requesting an appointment. But it looks like I can squeeze you in three days from now.”
Me: “No, you can squeeze me in today, like your company already promised, to make your garbage service work.”
Rep #2: “Um, that’s not possible. But let me call dispatch to see if we can figure something out.”
*****28 minutes on hold*****
Rep #2: “Dispatch says they can’t get over there any sooner than 3 days from now. Let me transfer you.”
*****40 more minutes pass in conversations, and being put on hold, and then being transferred AGAIN******
Rep #7: “Have you tried unplugging it and replugging it back in?”
Me: “Seriously? You can see in the notes that you’re the 7th person I’ve spoken to. Did you honestly think you were the first person to think of that solution?”
Rep #7: “Why don’t I transfer you to my supervisor.”
*****14 more minutes on hold*****
Rep #8: “I’m so sorry to hear that. Let me call dispatch and see if we can’t get somebody out there.”
Me: “No, dispatch has already been called and they said they can’t come.”
Rep #8: “Hold please.”
****23 minutes on hold*****
Rep #8: “Oh, they say they’ve already been called regarding your account.”
Me: “You don’t say!”
Rep #8: “But there was nothing in the notes on your account about them being called.”
Me: “That’s so surprising, you guys seem to be running such a tight ship over there.”
Rep #8: “Dispatch did ask if you tried unplugging it and replugging it back in?”
Me: “Can you just transfer me to whatever department I need to make a complaint?”
Rep #8: “Sure, one moment.”
*****more holding*****
Rep #9: “Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable, we’re so thankful to have you as a customer.”
Me: “Are………..are you taunting me?”
Rep #9: “What can I help you with today?”
Me: “Well, my internet is out and you guys lied to me about a technician being scheduled, and I’ve been on the phone for well over an hour and now I’d really just like to file a complaint.”
Rep #9: “I am so sorry to hear that. Have you tried unplugging it?”
Me: “Yeah, I believe we’ve already covered that. Is that not in the notes?”
Rep #9: “Let me send this request to my manager. Now, while we wait can you tell me if you might be interested in our phone or TV options?”
Me: “Why in the world would I ever want more of this useless company?”
Rep #9: “Um, well, we are… okay, my manager says we should call dispatch and see about getting somebody over there.”
Me: “But….”
Rep #9: “Hold please.”
*****13 minutes on hold******
Rep #9: “Ma’am, it appears dispatch has already been called.”
Me: “I hate you.”
Rep #9: “But I can get you an appointment in 3 days?”
Me: “I was literally only transferred to you to make a complaint.”
Rep #9: “Oh, let me transfer you to the complaint department. I can’t do that.”
*****48 minutes, 2 more consultants and a looooooooong Q&A later and I had filed a useless complaint, which I’m sure the TWC execs read and laugh at as they smoke pipes made of endangered ivory in their diamond encrusted penthouses*****
And so I took to the internet to express my rage and hatred, in this form:
And MAGICALLY within the hour I got a call from TWC saying (after the previous 3+ hours on the phone being told repeatedly that it was not humanly possible to get a tech for 3-4 days) that my technician would be there first thing the next morning.
The next morning the tech came in, and…
Tech: “I think your modem must have just gotten fried by the storm.”
Me: “No.”
Tech: “What do you mean no?”
Me: “I mean no to that. That’s ridiculous.”
Tech: “But ma’am…”
Me: “You are telling me that even though my power NEVER went out and nothing electrical in the whole house was damaged, that somehow LIGHTNING traveled sneakily into my wiring, through my wall, through A SURGE PROTECTOR!! and to this one single plug, but then it only fried ONE of the THREE things that were in that outlet? This is what you are telling me?”
Tech: “Yes ma’am.”
Me: “Well, that is stupid.”
*****3 hours later*****
My internet is finally working and TWC has actually had the nerve to raise my monthly bill, and I get this recorded survey call:
Recording: “On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how likely would you be to recommend Time Warner Cable to a friend?”
Me: “1”
Recording: “You typed 1. Is that correct?”
Me: “Yes.”
Recording: “Are you sure you meant to type 1? On a scale of 1-10, with one being the lowest, how likely would you be to recommend Time Warner Cable to a friend?”
Me: “1”
Recording: “You have typed 1. Did you mean to type 1-0?”
Me: “No.”
Recording: “You are submitting 1?”
Me: “I hate you.”
Recording: “Thank you for your time, and thank you for choosing Time Warner Cable!”
for a rainy day 