I received some upsetting news today. Go ahead and take a seat, because you are going to be equally upset and I would hate for you to collapse beneath the weight of your grief.
Today, whilst listening to a news report about the forthcoming summer weather, the newscaster used both the term “record breaking scorcher” and “hottest summer in recent history.”
Are you okay? Did you faint from the instant dread mixed with debilitating heat stroke?
So I’m already done. I’m just packing it in and boarding up my windows and doors because outside is no longer an option. Thanks to the weird combination of my pasty white vampire skin, allergies that make breathing impossible, and the proud German heritage that affords me the gift daily of sweating like large hairy dude, I will be safely inside until the weather stops being a COMPLETE BASTARD!
And no, I am not exaggerating. My mother LITERALLY came over to help me black out my skylights with tin foil to minimize the heat sneaking in, so I am officially hibernating for the season. Unless you are at my job, my gym, or standing directly in my living room, I will see you in September.
“But Tracy, summer is so much fun and you’re going to miss out on all of the blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!”
First off, which part is so wonderful to you? Is it the 200% humidity that makes it difficult to breath? Or were you talking about the mosquitoes that are already so large this year that they can carry away a small dog? Or were you referring to the poisonous snake that has decided that it now lives outside my front door?
And secondly, I don’t plan to miss anything. Look, I have figured out a way to get the complete summer experience and never actually leave my house!
And then I upped the equation for the most epic summer ever:
Also, don’t worry about me. I’m finding plenty of ways to keep busy here at home…
It’s just like being at the beach! Except you are inside… always!
Please send pizza.
