I was supposed to have an hour between flights, but the first plane was delayed. The guy at the counter checking me in said, “I can already tell you you’re not going to make it.”
The first plane landed and I had exactly 8 minutes to get ALL THE WAY across the San Francisco airport (which is laid out like some kind of bizarre pentagram), and hopefully get to my other gate before they closed the door.
Lessons I Learned while running through the Airport:
(1) People in mass are AWFUL!
On an individual basis, sure, people are mostly okay. But something happens when they are gathered together in a herded area and they become cold-hearted SAVAGES!!! Awful, selfish monsters vying for survival who will step on your neck to get ahead. And you know what else people in large groups do? When they see somebody frantically rushing somewhere in a desperate attempt to reach a destination, with baggage in tow and fire in their eyes… they like to move in front of you and just stop.
THEY. JUST. STOP!
Like I said: savages! “Somebody is running. I should probably step out into their path, freeze there, and put my bags down on either side of my body completing a solid wall of pure douche-baggery to inconvenience their day.”
(2) Flip flops are wonderful, but are not made for cross-country running
You know what flip flops are great for? They are ideal for both pool side lounging, and also for flying off your feet when you’re hurrying and shooting ahead of you, smacking a stranger in the back of the head. Flip flops are GREAT at both of those things.
I spent the latter part of my sprint in a flat footed waddle, trying to keep the shoes on while maintaining momentum.
(3) Wheeled luggage is wonderful
Sure, I may have looked ridiculous, but my 4-wheeled, multi-angled pivoting hot pink luggage glided through those 8000 terminals with the grace of…
(4) If you yell “Excuse me, on your left!” people become disoriented and immediately step into your path
(5) I was not prepared nor in the proper shape for this half marathon
(6) I heart United Airlines staff!!!
They have a reputation for delayed flights, but they make up for it with the best staff in the freaking world!!! When I finally got to the plane (totally out of breath and saying words not meant for polite company) the flight crew met me at the door and we had drinks and told jokes until it was time to take off and I had to sit down. LOVE THEM!
(But all this comes later. Remember, I’m still running…)
(7) People in coffee lines are crazed and hateful!
There are roughly 874 people in that Starbucks line and together they see you coming and lock arms, creating a human chain of spite that blocks everybody from getting by them. They are awful, unfeeling people.
(8) Turns out I will do anything to avoid spending 7 hours in an airport
…including running! I hate running. Like deeply hate it. Like, to the point that I have walked two 5Ks. And for all of you running advocates who are going to say, “but come on, running is so fun”, to you I say NO! I have terrible knees and all kinds of lady-curves. So come tell me more about the wonders of running and I will kick you in the knee and strap a watermelon to your chest, then you can take a few laps and come back and talk to me some more about how fun it is.
(9) Time is a bastard
If you sit at your desk time completely stagnates. But if you are running for your life then time suddenly accelerates and taunts you.
(10) Running through the airport while carrying heavy bags is the real life equivalent of that dream you have where you’re running away from something and your feet feel like they’re stuck in sand
(11) The look of disappointment on your seatmate’s face…
…when you’re the last one on the totally packed plane and they suddenly realize they don’t get an empty seat to stretch out in is priceless. And also, they will not be happy to shuffle all of their laptops and pillows and dishes and assorted things that nobody should have on a plane to get up and let you in to your window seat.
(12) Whoever designs airports is a sadist
I can only assume that from an aeriel perspective all airports look like this:
Complete with both human and bench barriers for you to dodge as you race to your destination.
Sooooo, yeah. I spent a wonderful week in California and I was so busy actually enjoying it that I forgot to take fancy instagram worthy photos. But here is a photo of me riding in a ridiculously cool classic car complete with gold leather seats.