I handle pain and injury with the grace and quiet suffering of a viking warrior…
My neck has been hurting slightly for about 2 weeks. The best I can figure I slept on it wrong because it was stiff when I woke up. But then, that pain just never went away and it’s been this slight, dull soreness that I kind of grew accustomed to (because my body has this amazing ability to adapt to awfulness). But then last night, around 2:00am I woke up crying actual tears of what I can only assume was blood based on the level of pain in my body. No, not my WHOLE body… just my neck which controls the whole stupid thing.
Here are the snippets of activity that followed, as I remember them through the haze of pain killers:
Woke up in agony. Remembered that my heating pad was in the car. Took me 10 minutes to get myself out of bed, because what you don’t realize is that muscle in your neck strains every time you sit up, and when it’s in spasm the process of sitting up in bed feels like somebody is stabbing you in the throat with a rusty blade.
Finally got out of bed, but couldn’t bend over to get my keys out of my purse… so I fished them out with my toes. Luckily I have the toes (and basic demeanor) of a sloth so I was able to pick them up with my finger toes.
Went outside and fished through my car for a while, which is loaded with my homeless essentials. Finally found my heating pad before I was attacked by the blood thirsty coyotes and badgers and… bears? Maybe? I don’t really go outside that much so it’s hard to say what’s out there. Alligators most definitely.
Slept a little in between the crazy nightmares and waking up to spasming pain. Vowed to never get sick or have a baby or age or go to the gym. My body can’t take the strain of these things.
Got halfway ready, looked in the mirror and said “Ah, f*ck it. I’m 30 now so who’s going to question me if I show up with mascara only on one eye?” (Spoiler Alert: nobody! Nobody is going to question you. If you ever need a day that’s free of interactions with people, might I suggest going outside looking like the Joker)
Drove to work without turning my head. It can be done, so long as you drive very slowly and merge super gradually, because checking your blind spot is absolutely not an option. On a similar note, if you were driving a Green Camry this morning, I’m real sorry. We both screamed some things we didn’t mean: you because I cut you off, me because your stupid horn angered the demon living in my neck muscles. Let’s let bygones be bygones.
(Side note: spell check changed “bygones” to “bigots”, but I caught it in time, Green Camry, so nobody will accidentally think you are racist because I’m sure you’re not. I mean, maybe you are. I don’t know your life. I DO know you have a little rage based on the quick horn reflexes, but I assume it wasn’t bigotry. Right? Does autocorrect know something I don’t know? Let’s all be better, Green Camry. Well, not so much “we”, because I’m not all filled with hatred, just with muscles that don’t work any longer. Mostly just “you” should be better. Come on Green Camry, it’s 2015 already.)
Heard a creepy you’re-being-followed noise while walking through the dark parking lot into the empty office, and honest to God my first thought was “I’m not turning around. They can just have this one.”
Got to work without being murdered. Sat at my desk and ate a hearty breakfast of Advil and Motrin.
Dropped something on the ground. To avoid the agony of bending, I picked it up with my feet and tried to then toss/kick it up to where I could catch it. Smacked myself in the face.
We have no Icy Hot in the building, because apparently “this isn’t a pharmacy where we just keep anything you could ever need”, or something like that. I wasn’t listening, because the… ear bones connected to the… neck bone… The neck bones connected to the… twin sister I absorbed in the womb who is now wreaking havoc with my central nervous system.
So I made my own Icy Hot, by switching between pressing a cup of boiling coffee and a cold bottle of water to my neck. You do what you have to do. And also, I am the MacGuyver of backwoods doctoring.
Spilled both boiling coffee and ice water on myself. In too much pain to care.
Josh Greenwood (yeah, I wrote your name) kindly asked me what was wrong. I, being the filterless angel that I am, dry sobbed my sad tale of woe and pain. Josh was
the worst person ever nice enough to say “It could be meningitis. That can totally kill you.”
Josh Greenwood’s and my friendship is in a temporary time out. Friendship will resume as normal one he’s had time to think about what he’s done.
WebMD said it’s not meningitis. They say it could be cancer though. Thanks WebMD, I knew you would provide me with the comfort I so craved.
Called to schedule a massage. They said they couldn’t get me in until Friday. I made some indecipherable whimpers and sounds of pain as I plead for mercy. They said they’d see me at 4:00 today.
A different coworker said, “You should go home.” Um… I’d love to… if I had a home. Thanks for rubbing salt into that wound, work associate. Do you also throw frisbees at blind people?
Walking the halls of my office with all the grace and finesse of Frankenstein as I try not to move my head, neck or torso. Someone behind me is calling my name. I swear to Jeepers, if they make me turn my neck I will rain hellfire down upon this place.
Back at my desk and –HEY– this sitting position doesn’t make me want to cry! Maybe I can just stay perfectly still here for the rest of my life and then I should be okay and… <<HICCUP>>… HOLY F*CKING HELL, NOTHING FEELS LIKE THIS! Is this what giving birth is like? It feels like my spinal cord is trying to separate from the rest of my body!
I had my inspection at my almost-home today. You know what’s fun about inspections? It’s a lot of bending into tight spaces and looking up. All lovely, simple tasks so long as you can move your neck.
Drove to my massage. Still not turning my head or checking my blind spot as I drive through Raleigh. Shockingly enough, this is the easiest drive I’ve ever had through Raleigh. Apparently you just have to adopt the Raleigh mindset of “I don’t care about anybody else on the road, I want to be in that lane so I’m coming over regardless of your car” mentality to thrive there. I’m learning.
Got the most incredible massage ever where she essentially beat me for an hour. And it was FANTASTIC!!!
Drove straight from my massage (covered in lemon oil and with the smooshed, sleepy face from the massage table) to Target to buy new pillows and Icy Hot. In other news, my homeless gypsy caravan now includes giant, extra firm feather ergonomically correct pillows, officially making me the most high maintenance homeless woman who has ever lived.
Practiced writing with my feet in case I’m never able to move my upper body again.
I think I’m acclimating to my new life quite well!
Rubbed some weird homeopathic numbing cream on my neck. I’m assuming it’s working because my whole upper body feels like I just got to second base with Jack Frost. I don’t know if that’s what’s supposed to happen because the writing on the jar is in Chinese and there’s a picture of tiger on the front. And now I smell like menthol and tiger and backdoor alley witch doctory.
Took all the medicine I could find and laid down with the heating pad and my pillows filled with the feathers of 1000 angels.
As you can see, I handle injury very maturely and drama free. You might be tempted to call it heroic, but I… am actually okay with that!
Here’s hoping that tomorrow is filled with joy and prosperity, and also basic mobility!