for a rainy day

The Slow Con of Real Estate

I have been looking for a house since early January, and let me tell you what, it has been truly not fun.  I always imagined shopping for your first home as this super cute endeavor playing out like an 80’s montage where you see lots of adorable little houses in quick sequence with a Duran Duran song playing in the background, and then you finally find the perfect little home and you throw your hat in the air to celebrate all Mary Tyler Moore-like.

mary tyler moore

But it turns out it is less like that and in actuality is more like a scene from American Horror Story, where you walk into dark, poorly lit rooms and you instantly get that feeling that there have most certainly been murders in this place.

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Yup, the miracle of adulting on a budget!

So after days, weeks and months of looking at sad little homes with OUTRAGEOUS Homeowners Association fees, I have decided to take a different approach to real estate.  And that approach is that instead of looking at the 2-3 houses currently on the market I am just going to pick out the house I want and see if I can’t force them to sell. And how will I accomplish this?  Well, that plan was hatched last night:

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It’s genius, really!  What drives down the price of real estate in this day and age? Proximity to a highway, yellow crab grass, or a ghost!  

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So, the plan is to find an adorable, charming little abode that is energy efficient, in a neighborhood with good schools and few-to-occasional stabbings, and then move into the attic of that home.  Then…

Step #1:

Pick a certain time of the night (preferably the witching hour of 3 in the AM), and begin rattling chains and making creepy-ghost like sounds at that time consistently each and every night.

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Step #2:

Find a creaky floorboard.  Continue to step on it when only one person is at home.

Step #3:

Buy a Victorian looking nightgown and roam the halls carrying a candle all creepy-like.  I imagine it looking something like this:

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It’s helpful if, like me, you have albino, vampire skin.  But if you were blessed with skin that has pigment, a similar effect can be achieved through baby powder and glitter.

Step #4:

Make a call that’s “coming from inside the house!!!!!!!!!”

Step #5:

Through a complex system of invisible fishing line strings and careful timing, move the furniture around the room.

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Follow these steps and that house is as good as yours!

Did I just revolutionize the real estate game?  Yes-yes, I think I did.  This is real estate gold!

Disclaimer: Hauntings do not negate or lower Homeowners Association fees, so haunt accordingly.

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This entry was published on August 31, 2015 at 11:59 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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