I have been looking for a house since early January, and let me tell you what, it has been truly not fun. I always imagined shopping for your first home as this super cute endeavor playing out like an 80’s montage where you see lots of adorable little houses in quick sequence with a Duran Duran song playing in the background, and then you finally find the perfect little home and you throw your hat in the air to celebrate all Mary Tyler Moore-like.
But it turns out it is less like that and in actuality is more like a scene from American Horror Story, where you walk into dark, poorly lit rooms and you instantly get that feeling that there have most certainly been murders in this place.
Yup, the miracle of adulting on a budget!
So after days, weeks and months of looking at sad little homes with OUTRAGEOUS Homeowners Association fees, I have decided to take a different approach to real estate. And that approach is that instead of looking at the 2-3 houses currently on the market I am just going to pick out the house I want and see if I can’t force them to sell. And how will I accomplish this? Well, that plan was hatched last night:
It’s genius, really! What drives down the price of real estate in this day and age? Proximity to a highway, yellow crab grass, or a ghost!
So, the plan is to find an adorable, charming little abode that is energy efficient, in a neighborhood with good schools and few-to-occasional stabbings, and then move into the attic of that home. Then…
Pick a certain time of the night (preferably the witching hour of 3 in the AM), and begin rattling chains and making creepy-ghost like sounds at that time consistently each and every night.
Find a creaky floorboard. Continue to step on it when only one person is at home.
Buy a Victorian looking nightgown and roam the halls carrying a candle all creepy-like. I imagine it looking something like this:
It’s helpful if, like me, you have albino, vampire skin. But if you were blessed with skin that has pigment, a similar effect can be achieved through baby powder and glitter.
Make a call that’s “coming from inside the house!!!!!!!!!”
Through a complex system of invisible fishing line strings and careful timing, move the furniture around the room.
Follow these steps and that house is as good as yours!
Did I just revolutionize the real estate game? Yes-yes, I think I did. This is real estate gold!
Disclaimer: Hauntings do not negate or lower Homeowners Association fees, so haunt accordingly.