for a rainy day
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Corporate Eavesdropping

What?  Two eavesdropping posts in a row?  What magical gift from heaven is this?  Well friends, the best I can explain it is the warm weather has brought people out of hibernation… and in their time hidden away they have forgotten how to behave in public.

It’s a short one today, my lovelies, but a good one nonetheless.  Allow me to set the scene.  It’s the hour of noon on this rainy Friday.  I am perched in the corner of my favorite coffee shop working on projects of varying degrees of snarkiness in my effort to be the most nonsensical “writer” of our generation.

The place is crowded because of the rain closing all the outdoor seating, and the close quarters dropped today’s eavesdropping into my lap… LITERALLY into my lap.  These two are sitting so close to me that I am practically a guest at their table.

So I bet you’re wondering what kind of dynamic we are listening in on today.  Well friends, this was a tricky one.  It was elusive like a unicorn, and every time I thought I had figured it out it changed.

Our scene opens with a business lunch.  A man and a woman sit all up on me in their business professional pantsuits drinking coffee as they talk business.

Now here is a little background information on how I choose the subjects worth eavesdropping on.  I spend too much time in coffee shops working, but of course I don’t always listen in on what is happening around me.  It takes the perfect storm of obnoxiousness, loudness, and total disregard for the people around you for me to take notice.  And when you pepper in a bit of awkwardness and them sitting too close to me I can’t just NOT blog that.  

Today it was the man’s voice which drew me in.  I’m going to describe it to you and you’re going to be tempted to think that I’m lying to you, but that’s ridiculous, and I mean why are you even questioning me?  When have I ever misled you to inspire such mistrust as this?  No, I’m NOT raising my voice!  I just don’t see why we are having this disagreement.  Okay fine… no I’m sorry too.  Yes of course I still love you.  Okay, let’s just move on.

Anyways, this guys voice was like a beacon, drawing me in.

ibicwpEDocAubz
Friends, not only was it loud… but his tone never changed.  I kid you not when I tell you he sounded exactly like this:

Please read this entire post to follow with that voice.  You will not be sorry.

So I’m at my table trying not to laugh at this man’s crazy yell-talking, because seriously this is the verbal equivalent of having a conversation in CAPS LOCK!  I learn as I study the pair that they are work associates.  How did I deduce this?  By the endless stream of jargon and numbers that they are exchanging.

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 img-2573563-3-лего-lego-The-LEGO-Movie-Princess-Unikitty-1100693

This technical dialect baffles me.  I can only assume that this sort of discussion is what occurs when you learn actual life skills in school?  Can anybody who had a major that mattered back me up on that assumption?  I personally was an English major so all we learned was how to BS our way through a paper… oh and also there, their & they’re.

I think they are accountants because they are literally just speaking in form numbers.  You know, the way that IRS people do.  “If you take the sum of column B and add it to the value of form 4506 of the previous year then you should have the gross average of the income that is expensible for the deficit of the following years earnings”.  Something like that… I might have blacked out because I hate jargon.  HATE IT!  To me everything they are saying sounds like this:

Untitled

But here is the game changer!  Somewhere in the middle of the super important nothingness they are speaking to each other I noticed something…

THEY ARE FLIRTING!

Right about now I assume you are laughing as you say “but Tracy, you don’t know what flirting looks like.  All of your flirting instincts are broken, that’s why you keep ending up in awkward situations where guys think you are dating and you have no idea”.  If you missed that story you can read it HERE (the accidental girlfriend)

But I promise you friends, these too are corporate flirting!  There is serious body language and winky-romantic looks.  Even I (in all my flirting ineptness) can read this situation.  Murphy Brown and Donald Trump here have got the warm and fuzzy business-appropriates for each other.  The words are boring but the posture is white hot!  And damn, it is fun to watch!

Oooh, now they’re talking about the stock market.

Talk-dirty-to-me-gif
Ah, compound interest!
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Say 401-K again reeeeaaaallll slow.
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It’s all very romantic and charged and everything, but keep in mind that it is still being said in his monotone voice, so it sounds like this.

“GREAT JOB AT THE MEETING!!”

“SPREADSHEETS!  BUSINESS WORDS!

“THAT PANTSUIT REALLY BRINGS OUT YOUR EYES!”

It’s like foreplay, but for accountants.

He says global warming isn’t real, and she is batting her eyes as he spouts his political opinions.  Oh Chapel Hill, you wonderful, awful place.  You never fail to supply me with adorable weirdos to turn into blogs.  Don’t you ever stop being the worst!

I wonder if this lunch is a tax write off?  I bet they are getting all tingly just at the thought of itemizing those receipts.  All I know is I am totally now writing off the coffee in my hand because I am officially working.  Yeah, blogging is totally work.  What do you mean no it’s not?  Are we fighting again?  Wow, you know sometimes I feel like all we do is fight these days!  Okay fine, I didn’t mean it either.  No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.

He just slid a folded piece of paper to her across the table.  I can only assume it looks like this:

spreadsheet
Now they are comparing phones and wireless capabilities.  He is boasting about how his work emails sync up with all his devices and I swear she just swooned.
swooning

Corporate romance is quite magnificent.  It’s like all of the butterflies of first loves, but with excel documents and sensible shoes.  It’s like Nicholas Sparks wrote this.

Oh, they’re wrapping things up after what is definitely over an hour long lunch break.  Let’s watch those time cards Romeo.  Briefcases are loaded while handshakes and looks of longing are exchanged before they go out into the rain and…

AND THEY ARE STANDING IN THE RAIN!!!!  Cue every romantic scene from every romantic movie ever made!  They are standing out in the rain without umbrellas as they stare longingly at each other and I try to read their lips.  He either just said “The expense reports have to be submitted by the end of the month” or “I’m going to put a baby in you”.  It looks like this:

The-Notebook-Rain-Kiss-Animation-rachel-mcadams-and-ryan-gosling-13899356-300-155
And I look like this staring at them, way too invested in this relationship:
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And then my heart exploded with happiness.  Those crazy business professionals are going to make it you guys!  It’s the real deal.  I see happily ever afters and sexual harassment seminars in their future.
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This entry was published on May 12, 2015 at 10:13 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

One thought on “Corporate Eavesdropping

  1. Pingback: Things You Shouldn’t Say In A Crowded Starbucks | ...for a rainy day...

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