for a rainy day

I Do Not Exist

Did you know that I don’t exist? I am so far off the grid that the government doesn’t even know that I was ever here. My whole life is operating in Ghost Protocol right now.

Confused? So is the IRS, Social Security Administration, State and Federal government and the State of California.

I was born on Halloween. I know that because I was there. I even confirmed that fact with my mother, father and the midwife. I am absolutely certain of that fact, but…

October 31st, 1985…the conspiracy begins
Tracy is born in California. She is perfect. The world rejoices. Then the following mistakes occurred:

1-born at home because my mother is a Viking warrior and feels no pain
2-birth is recorded.
3-person recording birth doesn’t know how to work a calendar.
4-date of birth is recorded as November 31st
5-November 31st does not exist
(for real, there are only 30 days in November, but on a legal and binding document somebody wrote down that I was born on a make believe day. They might as well have written that I was born on Frabjous day…when that day come the Mad Hatter will dance…whoops, I got distracted)

And thus the first record of me in this world was a lie.

Now cut to many years later. The birth certificate has been legally changed. Tracy gets a ticket for a car accident and appears at court. Yet the court has no record of the incident because the girl DOESN’T EXIST!


More years pass. Tracy tries to file her taxes (as she has been doing successfully for over 10 years), but the IRS keeps calling her a liar and assuring her that she was in fact born on December 31st. Um…the f**k? As a result she has to file by mail like a cave person…and is still waiting for her money by the way, government.


Now this is all a little strange, but you should also know that I HAVE NO FINGERPRINTS! That is a true story! I burned them off accidentally when I took a glass blowing class. This almost cost me a job when I went to get fingerprinted for the bank I worked at and the guy kept just getting these smooth prints with none of the identifying little nooks and crannies.

Do you know what the moral of this story is? It’s that I SHOULD BE COMMITTING SO MANY CRIMES!



I am an untraceable, paperwork free American ghost! In fact, I’d like to apologize to the criminal community for squandering this opportunity. I feel like I should test my untouchable-ness. Does anyone know if there is really a map on the back of the Constitution? Never mind, I’ll find out.  

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This entry was published on February 3, 2015 at 12:38 am. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “I Do Not Exist

  1. No one’s going to believe that I got actual life coach advice when I tell them that my life coach … may not exist. 🙂

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