So I have several friends on the job search and I have been helping with resumes because “you have an English degree and don’t you guys know how to do this?” Yes, that is what they taught us, because an English degree qualifies us to do nothing so they teach us how to lie on paper. And we also write our resumes in iambic pentameter. None of this is true…except that English degress are useless.
But I have a problem with this whole resume thing. You have to distill yourself down to a few bullet points on a piece of paper that make you look appealing to a group of people in fancy suits. But here is the thing: I have a crap-ton of skills that are what people would call “non-marketable and please stop talking about them”. But I think these are the truly impressive parts of life that should be on my resume. So I made a second resume…a life resume! Behold:
Tracy can recite every Disney movie, beginning to end in perfect fluency.
She is able to take up to six months of slowly delivered stupidity before flying into a blind rage and slashing all the tires.
She can recite the alphabet backwards as long as time is not a factor.
On several occasions Tracy has been able to fall asleep within 30 seconds on sitting on a couch.
Tracy is able to parallel park on streets with no other cars present.
She is fluent in English, Canadian-English, Scottish-English and passive aggression.
She shows great planning and organization when eating Skittles, always eating the disgusting green ones first enabling the red to remain for the last delicious bite.
She is a follower…unless you aren’t okay with that.
Tracy once filled out a 17 page application writing entirely with glitter glue, and not only got the job but got a promotion. (100% true story)
She has a neck tattoo, but in a classy way.
She rewatches Arrested Development at least once every year because she believes in living responsibly.
She is a connoisseur of all Mexican restaurants.
She cannot spell connoisseur without Google.
She is fully trained at Google-ing.
Tracy owns a Britney Spears CD and she will not apologize for it.
She is right handed but doesn’t like to brag about it.
She is psychic and has a 50/50 success rate.
She believes the Loch Ness Monster is a real thing, but finds the Tooth Fairy to be a ridiculous urban legend.
She has taken classes in photography, bartending and glass blowing…and doesn’t do any of those things.
Tracy is a writer, if by “writer” you mean snarky individual with internet access.