So I was thinking about ghosts, as we all do at some point during the day. And I have to admit it made me a bit sad. But I wasn’t sad because they’re dead, I was sad because I feel like they’re wasting their potential.
Think about it: being a ghost sounds cool seeing as you can pass through walls and things, but in all of the ghost stories you hear all they seem to actually do is move furniture. I mean occasionally they like to pose for blurry pictures, but all in all their main pastime is slightly rearranging furniture and slamming doors in people’s houses. That sounds super boring.
And then I got to thinking: what kind of person (alive or ghost) would commit that much time to minor inconveniences and annoying habits. The answer is a**holes! A**holes would do that. And I now have a theory that when a**holes die they become ghosts while the rest of us get to move on.
The more I thought about the theory the more sense it made. I mean, what kind of self respecting ghost would just hang around opening up my kitchen cabinets? Probably the same guy who doesn’t hold doors for the people behind him after he walked into a building. And that ghost that cuts off your cable leaving nothing but static on your screen is most definitely the lady who talks on her cell phone in the bathroom. I mean it makes sense! What kind of person/ghost would commit their whole after life to moderately inconveniencing you? An a**hole, that’s who!
And then I got worried because I have met quite a few a**holes in my day. For reals, I’m like a magnet for criminally stupid jerks. And if this theory holds up then once the supervisor from my last job passes I can most definitely expect him to spend all of eternity turning on lights in my house because that prick was the worst! And that IT guy who got fired is most definitely going to be the one unplugging all of my appliances. Jerks.
I’m just saying, sad ghosts. It’s too bad that you didn’t get any of the good stuff but I hope you enjoy moving that chair around. Yeah, I’ll keep tucking it back under the table so you can have your fun. You’re welcome.
Disclaimer: this post (while GENIUS) in no way reflects my actual thoughts on the afterlife so just hold the hate mail, please and thank you.