My childhood was awesome. I grew up in that beautiful window after sarcasm was created but before political correctness was really a thing. It was a happy, free time to be a child and I soaked in every glorious moment. Ahhh, magical!
But then things happened and the world got boring and serious. So now in an effort to make the world as magical as it once was people have taken to revisiting the things fromst my time as a youngster…and they are RUINING EVERYTHING THEY GET THERE HANDS ON!
1) Pluto isn’t a planet anymore? Really?
Because since forever it was the last and COOLEST planet in our solar system, but now suddenly science says, “Nope, we changed our minds. It’s not working out Pluto, take your things and go. You’re just space debris now and you’re embarrassing yourself by trying to hang with the big planets.” Screw you science, why don’t you start doing useful things like creating a teleporter instead of being the mean girl from the cafeteria who tells Pluto-
Do I now retroactively fail the 4th grade for that report I did on Pluto? Pluto didn’t make the cut but we’re still sticking with Uranus?
2) Participation Awards. Hey my generation, do you remember actually doing things? Do you remember striving for greatness and healthy competition? You better remember because you are going to have to tell your children and grandchildren about that mythical feat. Now everybody is the best because you get awards and achievement stickers for everything. Everybody is their own special snowflake and gets honored for showing up. So everybody is the best…and also nobody is the best. Back in my day we were cutthroat. Everybody wanted those awards: “Oh Jenny won? Well I know who’s going down on the playground after lunch.” We were in it to win it!
3) Toy Safety Regulations. Toys are supposed to have tiny, pointy loose pieces that can be swallowed. It’s the only way to learn certain lessons. Why is everything plush now with smooth edges? How will these children learn to be careful? Those lessons come only through blood and band aids. Good toys always come with consequences. For example, I can still remember the joy of that Skip-It that sliced like a razor through my ankle with every round, but I sure as hell had the high score and I’m a better person for it! “Hey Trace, your ankle is bleeding pretty severely”… “Thank you sir, may I have another!”
4) DVR. I both love and hate this invention. I love it because it’s without a doubt the greatest thing that has been given to us within the last 10 years, but I hate it because I miss TGIF. Do you remember Friday nights growing up? It didn’t matter what was going on in the world, because at 8:00pm Eastern Standard Time everybody was on the couch ready for Family Matters. There was no second shot to see it; you had to catch the original airing. From 8-10pm the outside world was like a ghost town. If someone was seen outside during those hours you had to assume they were being chased by a murderer…but wait, even the murderers were home so they wouldn’t miss Step by Step.
5) Sorority girls on Halloween. No…just no. Taping a logo of something from childhood onto a tube top is not a costume. STOP IT! Oh, you’re a My Little Pony because you taped a heart to the hip of your dress? Nope. Oh I get it, you’re rainbow bright because your bikini has a rainbow on it. Sorry, you’re not. You don’t get to say you’re Oscar the grouch because you taped googley eyes to your halter top. This is how you do Oscar the Grouch…because I did it right!
I did it so well, in fact, that I couldn’t reach any of the food all night…or sit down.
6) SVU. I love this show. What I don’t love, however, is that half of the special guests are actors from my favorite shows growing up. Oh great, Corey Matthews is playing a murderer…Does Topanga know? Oh look, there is Uncle Joey…and he just shot somebody. SVU is where your favorite childhood characters come to play deviants and make you question everything you know to be true in this world. But no more on that because I’ve already written about SVU, and you can find that post HERE!
7) Nerds dissecting Disney movies for dirty things. Yes, the flowers in The Lion King do actually spell out sex.
Yeah, there is a bajingo on the cover of The Little Mermaid.
You know what though, I understand. You try drawing a singing crab over and over and over and over and over, and not throw in a Little Richard every once in a while just to feel alive. And a note to all these nit-pickers, if you go hunting for dingle-berrys you will always find dingle-berrys.
8) To Catch A Predator. I’m suddenly very aware of all the times I should have and/or almost was abducted. How in the world have I survived this long?
9) Facebook quizzes. You’re wrong. No, if I was a Disney princess I wouldn’t be Jasmine. Everyone knows I would be Ariel. Why don’t you get your facts straight internet! No quiz, I’m not going to have 5 kids! Be more reliable like M.A.S.H.
10) Cartoon remakes and sequels. You know what, some things are sacred, and those things all happened before 1995. You need to get your own things current generation. The world is full of starving artists and creative folks…so why is everything on TV or at the theater a remake? And sequels? “Wow, this part 2 of my favorite movie is just as good as the original and doesn’t ruin the characters for me at all”…said no person ever. Don’t believe me? Go watch Gone With the Wind…then watch the sequel Scarlett and try not to hate the world. Then watch The Jungle Book, followed by the Jungle Book 2. Still skeptical? Watch Step Up…then watch any of the 18 monstrosities that came after it. Toy Story is obviously the exception to this rule.
11) Political Correctness. I’m not going to say much here, because anything I say would be un-PC, and then people could sue me and hold me responsible for emotional distress. Because everything you say can and is offensive and there is always that one person lurking nearby who will explain to you why you are wrong.
12) Where Are They Now articles and TV specials. Sometimes it’s better just not to know. Rehab, dead, drugs, bankrupt, rehab again, divorce, law suits, more rehab, public intoxication, weird movie theater behavior, rehab, fat, rehab, rehab, rehab. Welp, I’m going to go cry for a while.
13) Star Wars. There are only 3 Star Wars movies. Non-negotiable.
14) Beanie Babies turned out to not be as lucrative as we all hoped. Well, there goes my retirement plan. I probably would have tried harder in school if I had known I hadn’t already made my fortune.
15) Hello Kitty isn’t a kitty. Apparently she’s a girl…even though her name isn’t Hello Girl…and she has the face of a cat…but any who, Japan has just delivered the ultimate death blow to all that we hold to be pure and true. And now Japan is laughing at us. Apparently she’s also British, a Scorpio and loves apple pie, she’s in the 3rd grade and her legal name is Kitty White. What an awful lot of back story for a misleading fictional cartoon. Oh, and we also found out that she has a twin sister, because this wasn’t all earth shattering enough.
16) Michael Bay. He has to be stopped. The first Transformers movie was pretty good. Then they got worse and worse and worse, until this last one actually achieved the level of physical discomfort. It was like watching a train wreck in painfully slow, badly scripted slow motion. I spent the last hour of the movie trying to name all 50 States in my mind in reverse alphabetical order. And now he’s done it again with TMNT. Honestly, I haven’t seen it. I’m too afraid. I can’t let Michael Bay hurt me again.
Dear Mr. Bay, this is a cease and desist order. You are being formally asked to stop destroying the precious childhood memories of a generation. So we ask that you go ahead and table the upcoming project Thunder Cats: Age of the Feline, as well as the post production movie Hungry Hungry Hippos: Dark Side of the Safari. Sincerely, America.