I’m not saying that the Zombie Apocalypse is definitely going to happen, but I AM saying that in the past 2 years there have been actual news stories about people eating each other’s faces off…
Now, some of you will survive the Zombie Apocalypse and some of you won’t…I probably won’t, and here is why…
1) I hate running. I HATE IT! Screw you studies that prove people who run live longer. I reject your science! Running may make you live longer but who wants to prolong a life that involves daily running? No thank you. Besides, the years I’m taking off my life are coming off the end, and those years suck anyways,
***I’ve always hated running. Even as a kid playing tag I would get tired of the chase midway through the pursuit and just stop, then I would proceed to convince the other children (quite successfully I might add) that no, we’ve actually been playing freeze tag the whole time…so I’m gonna go ahead and stop now, but I’m still not IT based on the rules of the freeze tag passed down to us from the 5th graders on high. Besides, this blade of grass here is BASE so I’m touching it, and so I’m safe. Can I get a ruling…teacher says she doesn’t care. Stop harassing me, you’re violating my rights as an American***
Plus I have terrible knees from 10 years of ballet, so my plan in any sort of chase scenario is just to lay down and wait for sweet death.
2) I’m squeamish. This will make it difficult to strike an undead zombie in the skull with an axe, or a bat, or whatever your weapon of choice might be. Personally, I have been persuaded that a frying pan is the best option.
3) I probably taste delicious- (no dirty joke intended, but take it if you want it…no dirty joke intended there either…whoops, I’ve found myself in a viscious That’s What She Said spiral, I’ve got to pull out…damn it!)
I have grown up in the South, which leads me to believe that I will taste like a deep fried, buttery treat of indescribable deliciousness. Something akin to a deep fried twinkie perhaps? Plus my afore mentioned non-running has probably left me tender like veal. If you are what you eat than I’m sure I taste like bacon.
4) I’m uncomfortable looting. That no stealing lesson really took root with me, perhaps because I am the youngest of 3 and we had a very firm don’t-touch-my-stuff understanding growing up. As a result I never went through the phase of needing to steal lipstick to feel alive. I hope you’re happy mother, you’re values and proper child rearing are going to cause me to starve, because while the other people will be stealing groceries I’ll be trying to find the manager to open a register.
5) My body doesn’t heal quickly or efficiently. I am covered in weird scars and marks that won’t fade. I can get a scratch and the mark will not fade for 3-6 months. Perhaps it’s my albino skin? Maybe this is something that’s true for everybody, but since so many layers of my skin are translucent I can see the damage straight through to my hypodermis layer. If I get injured by a zombie and/or my own stupidity whilst fleeing from said zombie than the odds are I will not recover by the next attack.
6) I cannot tolerate constant, needless noises. I just can’t. Random, incessant noises grate on my nerves. And if I have learned anything from the constant zombie movies and shows it is that zombies make a persistent groaning sound.
That would drive me insane. Literally insane. Like out of my mind levels of irritation. I can’t do it.
7) I’m not properly weaponized. “But Tracy, aren’t you from Durham?” Yeah, I am so this is really my own fault. I should be better armed. However, I am a twitchy individual and I am often scared by things that are not actually threatening. So the extent of my weapon-age is a small taser and my keys knuckled between my fisted fingers. Oh, and this:
WHAT! Throwback to the Harry Potter post!
8) I drive a hatchback. In zombie movies everybody drives a huge truck complete with battering ram, grenade launcher and short wave radio. Yeah…I drive a versa. It’s not super practical for driving through explosions and/or mass zombie crowds. Wait, or is it…
9) I like to sleep in. Well, not really “sleep” because I shoot awake at 7am regardless of what time I went to bed or how exhausted I am. However, I lay in bed until well after 11am. I use that time to shame myself with all the things I could be doing since I’m already up, wondering if Morgan Freeman is really nice in real life, and cataloging all the things I would do if somebody handed me a million dollars…I’d probably just hang out with Morgan Freeman…
10) I can only eat food from a can for 1-2 days tops before I just decide that I’d rather starve. There will be no surviving on beans and spam for me. I learn this lesson every time I get snowed in at my house. Oh, soup again? Fantastic. Some things aren’t worth surviving for.
11) I am not observant. I believe some people call it self-absorbed? For reals, I can walk into a room and not notice another human being standing there. I can only focus on one thing at a time. It’s a deficiency in my senses. I get over stimulated if I try to focus on too many things. Don’t believe me? Come watch my personality shut down when 2 people try to talk to me at the same time.
12) I don’t know the dance from Thriller.
13) I have a difficult time being in constant close quarters with the same people over an extended period of time. This comes from 10+ years of chaperoning youth church trips. I am deeply emotionally scarred, and now my ability to share space comes in 12-24 hour increments. After that I am going to need some space to recoup.
This would make it hard for me to join a colony of militant survivors. After the first day I would have to get some space and take my chances outside the gate with the zombies. It’s not personal, I just need some time away from your face.
14) Sarcasm and charm are my only real defense in the wild, and both are less than useful when faced with a bloodthirsty brain-eating zombie who will not be swayed, regardless of how adorable and/or convincing you may be, that zombie is still going to want to eat your brain.
15) I’ve never won the Zombie Olympics. We host it every year on Halloween and I have never won. What are the Zombie Olympics? Why it is a night of challenges to see how well you would be able to adapt during the apocalypse. Contests include nerf-sharp shooting, eating with no arms, trickery, and surviving on twinkies. I have yet to be the victor.
16) I’d be too busy blogging the whole thing.
Look, I’m not saying that the Zombie Apocalypse is DEFINITELY going to happen, but I’m not-not saying that. Just something you should all be thinking about. And if you are going to be one of those gung-ho survivor types than we should probably go ahead and hang out now before this all goes down.