Some people saw this post title and assumed this would be a celebration of Springtime post, but those people don’t know me very well.
I legitimately love winter and cold weather, and as such am a natural enemy of the heat and all things evil…like Florida. Gah, I hate Florida!
So as you all so joyfully celebrate the rising of temperatures and coming of Spring I mourn the passing of my comrade Winter. For me, packing up my winter clothes is like packing up the belongings of a deceased friend.
(wow, I’ve gotten a lot of use out of that gif…I mourn a lot. Too much? Nah, better not pull at that thread too hard)
It’s not that I don’t like Spring, because I do. But the thing is, Spring is a lie. Spring is a scam. It’s only really too weeks of nice, pretty comfortable weather, and then it’s gone. 2 weeks is not a season. It’s a 2 week transition from the glory of winter into the hell-based sauna that encompasses our hemisphere.
And after the 2 weeks of joy, in rolls the humidity
And with the humidity we all give up on life just a little bit, throw our hair up in a sweaty ponytail for the next several months, and struggle to breathe until September.
Somebody please explain to me what is so magical about temperatures in the 90’s, with humidity so thick it feels like somebody punched you in the chest, which you get to enjoy while covered in sweat. Because I don’t “glisten”, I sweat. Like a large hairy man, I sweat. Why do you people like summer?
I spend summer like this:
But this is what you lovely friends-o-mine have been pining for all winter. And so, let me say now, the first one of you people who has been saying “when will summer get here” who complains about the heat, I am going to strike you in the face.
I mean, I guess Spring/Summer are not without their merits:
1) Pollen! What a rare opportunity to actually SEE the wind. Glorious swirls of yellow and more yellow, sweeping up and down the road, encompassing your car.
2) Allergy season. The hot new trend of the season? Puffy eyes and a runny nose. Oooh, fabulous!
3) Going to stand in a poorly lit dressing room to try on bathing suits, which expose all of the white skin that has been hibernating. This leads into the next joy…
4) Shame induced gym memberships…I’ll see you there bc I just bought mine
5) Uncomfortably small clothing everywhere. Those people who were borderline-appropriate in the winter are now released to fully explore just how close they can get to the arrestable line of public indecency
Okay, I guess it’s not all bad. I do legitimately like a few things:
1) Flip flops. I hate shoes, so this is my footwear of choice
2) Food Truck Rodeos- they are out every weekend
3) Farmers Markets
4) Pool. I love to swim. I, however, take my life in my hands when I go to the pool. I have the skin of an albino shut in, so I run the risk of bursting into flame whenever I step into the light. I got my coloring from my grandmother who was German, and my grandfather who must have been a polar bear.
5) No more FB photos of snow. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE snow. What I don’t love is the parade of photos of snow. This dislike comes mainly from the fact that I own a window.
And that’s it! Those are the only good things about Spring/Summer…Sprimmer…Sumper…Sumring…?
Sprimmer is that time of year where everywhere feels like Florida, you are covered in sweat, pining for AC and dreading getting in your car.
Now, I handle this Hades weather with the same subtle and charming grace with which I usually approach things…meaning I complain and vocalize my every thought, holding nothing back. My usual, already compromised vocal filter wears even thinner because the focus I usually apply to my internal “is this an okay thing to say in public” discussion is otherwise focused on trying to lower my internal body temperature. Meaning there is no telling what words or thoughts may be vocalized from my being, and I apologize in advance to those of you who see me on a day with a particularly high heat index: I still love you—it’s not you it’s me—I still want to be friends—and other apologetic remarks.
And there is no place to hide. My roommate, whose internal resting body temperature is the same as Lucifer, insists on keeping the apartment at the temperature of a greenhouse. [Side note: we have a silent thermostat battle playing out— I move it down whenever she leaves the room, she turns it back up when she comes back…no words are ever spoken on the matter]
There is a poor fan in my bedroom that has not been turned off even once since I moved in last September. It is just puttering away, begging me to let it die.
Summer is the worst. I think I need to move out of the South. It might be time for me to take up residence in the Great White North of beautiful Canada.