for a rainy day

Christmas Carolers OF DOOM

I don’t go out a ton. And shenanigans like this is exactly why:

I was at my favorite coffee shop early Saturday morning, trying to get a ton of projects finished, and being surprisingly productive despite the packed house and the 1 million distractions going on around me. And I was feeling super accomplished and focused until an actual, LITERAL choir of children came in and started to sing.


And no, I’m not kidding about that. 

So at this point all productivity was done, because a gaggle of small children and preteens standing less than 10 feet away from you singing Christmas songs is the universe’s way of saying you have permission to just pack it in for the day. So I stopped writing and I sat back to listen to them sing a few songs. And even though most of the people in the room weren’t paying attention, I was really and truly enjoying the carols because these kids were actually super talented and put together. But then…

They were singing Carol of the Bells, which is one of my favorites, but is is also THE ABSOLUTELY MOST INTENSE CHRISTMAS SONG EVER EVER EVER! And while they were singing, one of the tall kids in the back raised his hand and mouthed something to the lady director. The lady listened to him while continuing to direct the carolers, but in response to his question, suddenly her free hand slowly raised and pointed directly at me. SHE FREAKING POINTED DIRECTLY AT ME!!!

And then! Oooooooh, and then! In one slow, precise, and communally synchronized move EVERY member of the singing choir turned and stared at me directly in my eyeballs while still singing this most intense of all Christmas songs.


And honest to God, I just froze in terror, like a person hiding from a T-Rex and trying to stay perfectly still so the monster won’t be able to see them any longer.


Then after a few of the most terrifying, chilling moments of all time, they all finally turned away from me, finished their song, and walked out.

Soooooooo, um, AM I NOW CURSED? Did that lady put a curse on me? I’m probably most definitely cursed, right?


I mean, I’m not 100% up to date on what the proper meaning is of a choir ominously singing AT you in public, then leaving the premises and shaking the dust from their feet, but it can’t be good, right? I mean, there’s no way that is like the new version of a candy-gram. Unless one of you sent this to me, in which case we should probably have a sit down talk, because you are obviously having some feeling, and we should probably hug it out so you can stop sending me ominous choirs of children to stare into my soul.

Either way, how do I now break the hex or curse that lady laid on me with her singing child minions? Like, to undo whatever bad Christmas ju-ju they just put on my with this…


…do I need to now throw an ancient relic into an active volcano? Or sacrifice something? Or go on a vision quest? How do I erase this encounter from my soul?

Sooooo, yeah. These sort of things just happen a lot to me. This is why I stay home. It’s really just safer.


(Disclaimer: these events are true, but the names, photos and videos have been omitted, because this went down in a town where people sue)

This entry was published on December 7, 2016 at 1:00 am. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

6 thoughts on “Christmas Carolers OF DOOM

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