I am not allowed to play certain board games. Due to some… events… I have been put on “permanent hiatus” from these activities for a span of… forever…
…because some other people don’t understand how words work, apparently…
[The scene: several years ago at a friend’s house]
[The context: a friendly game of Scattergories]
Friend #A: “Okay, time is up! Let’s see what we’ve got. The letter is P, and our first category is DIET FOODS. I wrote persimmon.”
Friend #B: “Pecans”
Me: “Parsley.”
Friend #B: <looking skeptical> “But people don’t really eat parsley.”
Me: “Exactly, but they always put it on your plate. That’s because you’re supposed to leave something on your plate when you’re eating. Because portion control. So you can eat all of your mashed potatoes and leave the parsley and that means you win at dieting… because you didn’t eat everything on your plate. That’s called self control, and that’s good. 2 points for Tracy.”
Friend #A: “They’re each only worth 1 point a piece, Combs.”
Me: “Yes, but I gave myself a second point for having to defend my answer, which I did like a champion. I’m not sure why this needed to be explained.”
Friend #B: “We should probably just move on.”
Friend #A: “Fine. Okay, moving on. Category 2: FAMOUS BANDS/MUSICIANS. I wrote Poison.”
Friend #B: “Prince”
Me: “p-White Snake.”
Friend #B: “Tracy, that… isn’t even close to correct. Do you not know how letters work?”
Me: “Of course I do. I mean, I was an English major. The P is silent. Like in p-neumonia. Or in p-Connecticut. It’s the original Olde English. They were always adding extra letters to words, like the extra P&E in SHOPPE, which seems crazy since they were writing with quills and ink bottles and you would think that they would just want to get straight to the point, but those Olde English folks were total letter sluts, just giving them away all over the place.”
Friend #A: “That doesn’t sound at all factual, but…”
Me: “But I have an English degree and took a semester of Olde English Nonsensory and Linguistics, and is any body else here informed enough in the Olde English vernacular to question me here? No? Okay then, 7 points for Tracy!”
Friend #A: “That’s not how points work.”
Me: “10 points to Gryffindor!”
Friend #A: “Can we just finish this round, please? My head is starting to hurt. Okay, next category is THINGS YOU FIND AT A CIRCUS. I wrote peanuts.”
Friend #B: “Popcorn.”
Me: “Pedophiles.”
<blank looks>
Friend #B: <slowly taking my clipboard away> “You… you’re on probation. Why don’t you go take a time out.”
The board game ban lasts to this very day.
for a rainy day 