My family has been scattered to the far reaches of the globe for years. My sister has been living in Oklahoma and then Mississippi and my brother Sean has been exiled for over 3 years in the wasteland of Kodiak, Alaska. Kodiak is a tiny little island shut off from the world. Or to hear Sean describe it it it’s “the anus of Alaska”, and also “go put on a blindfold and I’ll hose you down with ice water, then I’m going to hit you in the face with a shovel… and that’s what it’s like to live in Kodiak”.
But a miraculous thing happened last weekend! My brother was finally transferred back to Virginia and he got to move back to REAL AMERICA! So since I haven’t seen him in two years we all convened at my mother’s house for a Memorial Day family reunion, which made it the first time in close to five years that my whole family has been together!!!
But here’s the thing…
My family is all exactly like me, so when we gather weird and horrifyingly wonderful things tend to happen. And honest to jeepers guys I was trying to write all of it down for you, but the nonsense and ridiculousness were just flying too fast and I ended up with a list full of bizarre out of context quotes like “gorilla semen” and random hilarious conversations like:
Mason: (5 years old) “Why can Tracy do that without asking but I can’t?”
Lauren: “Because she’s kind of a grown up. When you grow up you don’t have to ask permission… unless you’re at my house.”
Mason: (confused) “I’m pretty sure by the time I grow up you guys will all be dead”
So we were all sitting outside being swarmed by bugs (because summer is disgusting) and my stepdad Sam pulls out this little tennis racket shaped handheld bug zapper…and then he handed it to me… because he sometimes makes bad choices.
Now you should also know that my brother-in-law Reid was present. He and I have always had a strange relationship, probably because he is 80% evil and 20% water. So Reid decided to test out the bug zapper that was buzzing in my hand. Dipping his fingers in water he got ready to flick the droplets at the zapper when suddenly…
Friends, I don’t know if you believe in out of body experiences, or how much science there is to back up the notion that people can act without realizing it… but I am a believer… because it happened!
There we were, all seated around the patio table, Reid poised to test the gadget… and either the years of pent up animosity, or my total disregard for safety took control…
and I swung.
Now, as medical science teaches us, when an electronically charged object makes contact with a human person, that person experiences a jolt. What science DOESN’T tell you though is that this person’s fingers actually freaking spark! And that it is beautiful and majestic and also oddly patriotic and American.
And this is why we don’t give Tracy weapons and sit her with people.
Ah, I love my family!!!
For more of my family’s perfected awesomeness, click here: family texting link