Dear Guy who just got on the bus…I love you
Well hello stud. That was some pretty hot eye contact we just had. Was it as good for you as it was for me? Sure, it was under five seconds long but that’s how true love works you know; five seconds or less. All of the Disney Princesses will back me up on that one. Looking into your green…blue…hazel eyes? Huh, I didn’t get a great look, what color are your eyes? Regardless, I know you felt the same things I did during that moment. Fireworks and all the warm-fuzzies with a Boys II Men song playing in the background, just the way I always knew it would happen.
I assume you have a trendy, hipster name like Dakota or Tobey. Well Tobey, color me intrigued. I can tell by your tribal tattoos from four completely conflicting belief systems that you are a searcher. I like that Tobey. I bet you write poetry, but not that mainstream stuff that rhymes but the obscure, artsy stuff that has no real thesis and uses the word thither a lot. Your lip ring says that you’re a quiet bad boy. Your brooding scowl tells me you are mysterious and shy, but that you like to be the little spoon. Your wallet chain says that you have bad credit, but we can work through that. Oh Tobey, I will big spoon you all night long.
We will marry in the fall under a night sky. Our children, Charles and Joaquin, will be beautiful and scholarly, and though we will raise them as hippie-anarchists they will both grow up to be investment bankers…we will be very disappointed.
You will read your poetry at open mic nights and get discovered, rocketing you to into the lime light as a famous poet…famous poet, that’s a thing, right? Meanwhile I will hold down a series of temp jobs as an administrator and a back up dancer while I search for my one true passion. (Spoiler alert: it’s retiring; retiring is my passion). I will stand by you through your token drug addiction and your stint in rehab, helping you get back on your feet. It will be hard work but our love can conquer anything, Tobey. I’ve known that since we first met twenty seconds ago.
You’ve been silent for a few blocks. Is everything alright my darling? It’s simply not like you to be this reserved. Is something bothering you my love? Perhaps it’s time to rekindle some of the magic. Our two minute anniversary is coming up; how would you like to celebrate?
*adorable feminine sneeze*
Oh Tobey, what’s happened to you? You’ve changed. I just sneezed and you didn’t even say ‘bless you’. It doesn’t feel like you even care anymore. Do you not want me to be blessed? You used to care so deeply for me but now I feel like there is this chasm between us, and I don’t just mean the four rows of seats. Where is that romantic, caring man I fell in love with eight blocks ago? That Tobey, my Tobey, would never behave like this. I swear, sometimes I look at you and I think I don’t even know who you are anymore!
What, you just left? How could you Tobey? After all that we’ve shared you simply moved along, shaking me off with the dust from your Converse, moving on without a backward look. And you didn’t even have the balls to tell me to my face that you were going; you simply snuck away while I was looking for my gum. How very dare you sir? I gave you the best years of my life, Tobey. Your hypothetical children ruined my figure, and now you just abandon me? After all we’ve shared together I have to say I am utterly shocked that this is how it all ends for us. But I, being the classy and grounded woman that I am, will carry on. I will pick up the pieces from this shattered life that we have shared together and I will move forward. Don’t you worry about me because I will carry on, but I will always cherish the good times, Tobey.