Welcome back my lovelies! It’s been a while since our last post. I am still alive, but also a little unnerved by how few people were concerned by the long absence since you know that I am living on the streets. I can only assume that you were all busy holding candlelight vigils for the missing blogger. That’s what it was… right? Well put away those candles friends, because I’m still here and STILL HOMELESS!!! Let’s read about the latest exploits and hope that it’s still funny and not yet sad.
Homeless Log, Day #20
I went to the State Fair today, and for the first time ever I actually thought “I wonder if I could be a carney?” Because there is nothing like quasi-homelessness to make you think about running away with the circus. But alas, I don’t have a hook for a hand so I can’t operate the rides. And I can’t even be one of the sideshow attractions because I don’t have a beard, and I’m not abnormally tiny or overweight. Damn my unmarketable averageness!
Homeless Log, Day #21
Sooo… I packed up my clothes for the week so I would have all the moderately work acceptable garments that I needed for 5 business days… or 4 days, I guess, because I definitely forgot to pack pants. Well, you know what people always say:
“Dress for the job you want, not the job you have”
Homeless Log, Day #22
I found a great place to live…
The deal was almost done…
They changed the price at the last minute…
Homeless Log, Day #23
Today I got my first piece of forwarded mail since the move out of my old apartment. Anyone want to guess what it was? Anyone? Well, you’re wrong, because it was THIS:
Is this a cruel joke? Is DISH Network taunting me? Is it possible that I have a new nemesis now? Is it possible that it is no longer Time Warner Cable, but is now actually DISH Network that is my arch enemy? Because yes, Time Warner Cable will absolutely not hesitate to slice your throat with a shiv they made from a spoon stolen from your own kitchen, then set your house on fire and laugh as they watch you crawl from the burnt wreckage of your life… but even they wouldn’t do THIS! There is a line, DISH Network. Have some damn humanity.
Homeless Log, Day #24
Today the family and I loaded up for a week long celebration of my birthday. The TRACYPALOOZA! An annual week long celebration of goodness, culminating in me aging another year, despite 365 prior days of questionable decisions. Also, I am kind of a birthday jerk. Meaning that I’m a smidge demanding, and that I always make a huge freaking deal out of it. But so does the rest of the world, because my birthday is on Halloween! It’s always nice when the entire world wears costumes and celebrates your birth with candy and festivities. Also: do you know a sentence that has never been said in the history of time: “Wow, that week of celebration and Tracypalooza/Birthday/Halloween hoopla was not fun.” Those words are ludicrous and everyone loves the Tracypalooza, except for my brother in law, Reid Hottel (and that’s mostly just because he’s a dirty Slytherin). You may remember Reid from a previous post. OOOOHHH, and TWC! Look how that came full circle!
So we all packed up and headed to Florida because this was a big year and I wanted to spend it at Harry Potter World. The up side of homelessness: I did not have to pack at all for this trip. I already had everything I owned in the car. Can we say WINNING!
Homeless Log, Day #25
While out shopping with my mother:
My mother (who is all that is wonderful in this world): “So what are your plans when we get home? Where are you staying during the week?”
Me: “Eh, that sounds like a problem for tomorrow Tracy. She’s the responsible one, after all. But more than likely I’m going to stay with some friends in Hillsborough.”
My mother: “That’s your whole plan? In it’s entirety?”
Me: “What can I say, I like to aim for the middle in life.”
My mother: <patting me lovingly on the cheek> “Oh baby, I think you missed the middle.”
And then she gave me $20 and a cookie. My mother: always hilarious. This is where my sassyness comes from.
Homeless Log, Day #26
Scoping out some of the prop buildings around Universal Studios. They appear to be empty and poorly guarded. I’m 99% sure that I could live in the prop of Hagrid’s hut underneath the Hippogryff ride. Everybody else on that ride was just enjoying themselves, but I was busy scoping out real estate, so you tell ME who is the true adult here?
Homeless Log, Day #27
Being homeless is the ultimate trump card. No matter what anybody says, I can top it. For example:
Lauren (my lovely sister): “We’re going to ask for a 4 bedroom at our next base again, because we really need to space. I don’t think we could make it with only three.”
Me: “Tell me more about your home and the struggles of having a place to live.”
or this gem:
My mother: “Some of this food has to be refrigerated. Tracy, do you want to take it home?”
Me: “I’d love to. Oh wait, that’s right, I don’t have a home. Thank you mother.”
Homeless Log, Day #28
Harry Potter World!
You know, Harry Potter was mostly homeless, too. All he had was a cupboard under the stairs, and look at all he did. I have a whole Nissan Versa, so I’m already doing better in life than he was in the beginning. If only my damn letter from Hogwarts would get here… hang on, there’s something in the mail! Could it finally be my letter from… oh no, wait, it’s just another letter from DISH Network congratulating me on my new house, then the CEO personally signed it himself and wrote in “f*ck you Tracy” at the bottom.
Homeless Log, Day #29
Here in the most magical place on earth I couldn’t help but think about what all Happily Ever Afters have in common. Do you know what it is?
No Disney movie ever ends with the Prince and Princess riding off into the sunset toward a borrowed futon.
Homeless Log, Day #30
There’s one guaranteed way to get your life together, based on lessons I’ve learned from books and movies:
EAT: I consumed all the frozen waffles, a banana, and some breakfast ice cream.
PRAY: “Dear Jesus- could you please send me an affordable house in a non-stabby part of town, that doesn’t have any structural issues and has an HVAC of pure gold that will never falter or decay? In your name I pray, Amen.”
LOVE: I forced my nephew Mason to cuddle with me while he watched Scooby Doo.
Okay, based on the gospel of Julia Roberts that should do it! I’ll be expecting my inner piece and a feisty Brazilian man any moment.
Homeless Log, Day #31
I turned 30 today!!! And it was absolutely perfect! I wanted a day of fun with my family, where I was also holding a wand. Because damn it, if I was going to turn 30 I was going to do it with a wand in my hand, the way Jesus intended it to happen!
And folks, it was amazing and magical and all of those happy words. Because I am SO EXCITED TO BE 30!!!! This year and this decade are going to be awesome. Homeless jokes aside, I love my life! I’m very happy and super blessed, and I have awesome people in my life. Oh, also, I had all this:
30 is stupendous, and my sister gave me some magic Rodan+Fields eye cream for a gift, so my face still has a few good years left! Woohoo for Rodan+Fields, which is like rubbing diamonds and unicorn tears on your face! I will be the most lovely and even-skin-toned homeless woman there ever has been!
Homeless Log, Day #32
It’s the first day of the second month of my homelessness. It’s also the day after my birthday, which means coming off the insane high of excitement I had yesterday. It’s also The Day of the Dead…coincidence?
I spent a week of bliss forgetting that I was a vagabond. Today, however, I remembered that I forgot to actually nail down where I was staying once the trip ended. You know, I think it’s possible that I don’t have the best focus or attention to detail. Could be why I’m quasi-homeless…
Whew, that was a long post! Are you okay? Do you need a hug?
I hope that you come back next week, because my poor planning has ensured us another week of living-out-of-a-suitcase hilarity!!!