We’ve all built an impossibly expensive, totally impractical dream home on Pinterest. But friends, you can go ahead and delete that board and simply replace it with this one PIN because I have officially made the ULTIMATE PINTEREST DREAM HOUSE! Yeah, it’s the all caps kind of exciting!
Bordering the property is an authentic moat, complete with alligators and laser sharks…you wouldn’t think they would coexist, but they actually get along quite lovingly…but they will eat your face off.
To enter the property you cross over the drawbridge, because regular gates are a bit pretentious whereas drawbridges are vintage and therefore adorable.
Outside it looks like this…
…but don’t worry it’s bigger on the inside
Passing through the homes entryway you are met in the foyer by Ryan Gosling who has been waiting all day to speak his beautiful words from his beautiful face:
The laundry room sits off the foyer so you can be instantly pants-less (not because of Ryan Gosling, but because pants are the worst). Home is no place for pants, after all.
The living room sits a floor beneath the foyer, but don’t worry about steps. There is a curly slide to take you down into the living room, landing you directly on a couch covered in fluffy blankets, decorative pillows and potty trained puppies that want to love you.
Next…large kitchen with high exposed wood beam ceilings and every gadget that IKEA has ever crafted for food prep. The fridge and cabinets are always fully stocked with organic stuff from the Farmer’s Market because in hypothetical homes you are always health conscious. P.S. the Snickers are in the drawer under the sink, hidden behind the panini press that nobody ever uses because it was only cute in theory but nobody ever has the actual time to use it.
The Master Bedroom is up the spiral staircase in your very own turret! Inside you will find a swinging hammock bed, complete with puppy stairs because I can’t be bothered with things like bending. If I wanted to exercise I’d be on my Pinterest clean living and body shame board
The closet has soft lighting and the moving clothing racks from Clueless. Don’t even try to act like you didn’t ask your parents if you could have that.
There are 18 guest rooms because there were just so many darn cute ideas and room themes that you couldn’t decide. However, there is only one guest bathroom because you’re not made of hypothetical money.
The master bathroom has that temperature control air blower built into the door that Costco has to keep the warm or cool air inside, so when you step out of the shower and cross the threshold your hair is blown dry in 2.5 seconds. I just gave you ladies YEARS of your life back with that one! You.Are.Welcome.
Each room has its own fireplace. This is important because fireplaces improve cuddling tenfold and therefore must be in every room in order to encourage spontaneous snuggles.
Outside you will find the lazy river pool in the backyard. And before you even ask, of course there is a swim up bar. Come on, we aren’t animals! Who has time to get out of the pool to get food and drinks? Not me, that’s for sure! I don’t even know why this needed to be explained…
On the island inside the lazy river…this grill:
…where a beautiful man whose name you never bothered to learn will grill things all masculine like for your benefit, making you realize that you are a little bit shallow and also that beef is delicious and open flames are bad ass.
Upstairs there is a reading nook lined with all of the beautiful leather bound books that you totally have time to sit down and read.
Next to that is the Art studio/office, where you will pen great novels and snarky blog posts that make your friends say things like “what the hell is wrong with you” and “you are a genius Combs”.
The wallpaper upstairs is the very same flavored paper direct from Willy Wonka’s factory. And yes, snozzberries DO actually taste like snozzberries.
And yes, there is a water slide at the end of the upstairs hallway. Hop on in and take a spin as it winds around the house, over the laser sharks and empties you into the lazy river.
House comes complete with robot butler, house broken pets, self cleaning appliances, panic room, and Scrooge McDuck’s money room.
Ready to move in yet?