for a rainy day

Ridiculous Lyrics

I was listening to the radio yesterday, as those of us yet to achieve satellite radio do. I was in the wasteland of Raleigh (best city in America my foot), and so I was of course sitting in traffic; it’s sort of a local pastime for Raleigh natives. As I watched the moments of my life tick away…

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…sitting totally motionless in my car with the other gridlocked vehicles, I started flipping through the radio stations. Since there was no need to focus on driving (seriously, Raleigh is the worst) I actually paid attention to the lyrics of the songs playing. Newsflash: a lot of it’s garbage!!! For real, songs that I actually enjoy and sing along to, when you actually listen and focus on the words I couldn’t believe how ridiculous the words were. So that got me thinking. Several hours later, after abandoning my car to the never ending traffic jam and walking home, I jumped on the interweb. Within an hour I had a list of songs that I have heard a bajillion times and never realized how ludicrous the lyrics truly are. For real, an entire page-long list.

To prove my point, let’s dissect one of these gems. Where to start, how about some Britney?

Confession: I actually like Britney Spears. Not in like an ironic ‘let’s listen to Baby, One More Time and sing along to the ridiculousness’—in like the ‘Baby, One More Time is on, shut your mouth for the next 3.5 minutes while I rock this out’. I genuinely like her and want her to do well.

So it hurts me to put her on here, but the moment you collaborate with Nicki Minaj you’re asking for it. Then you throw Ke$ha into the mix and I have to comment on that trainwreck. And thus we begin:

“Till The World Ends (Remix)”
(feat. Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha)

[Britney Spears:]
Till the world ends remix

“Remix”- from the latin term meaning not as good as the original; otherwise known as the ‘we can beat some more money out of this song’ (hahaha, beat/song—fun with puns. Good for you Tracy [pats herself on the back])

[Nicki Minaj:]

Here she comes, get ready for these lyrical gems.

Chimpanzee’s is hatin’, but I take it all in stride

Right off the bat. Nicki never fails to deliver the worst lyrics ever, and she is off to a strong start here. Okay, thoughts: the song is about the world ending and she’s talking about chimps, therefore I can only assume that this is Planet of the Apes? Okay, now we understand the context.

Put her in a jungle with bananas on the side

Bananas for a chimp? You know, sometimes stereotypes are hurtful Nicki. Calm down with your broad generalizations. Gosh, some people!

Told you they’d revive your career but somebody lied

Who is reviving your career? Are the monkeys reviving? I feel like they’re not properly trained for that. And Britney’s career comes back like every other year at this point so I think she’s probably okay.

I ain’t talking poultry when I say this chicken’s fried

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Minaj, you are going to need to pick a species and commit. Where did the chickens come from? Are they in the next Planet of the Apes sequel? That would be quite a plot twist.

Anyway Britney,

Oh good, she realized she was rambling and talking crazy so she’s refocusing.

why they so jealous that you teamed up with’ me?

Oh Peanut, nobody is jealous of this collaboration. Nobody. Not ever. Nowhere among all of humanity is somebody jealous that they were not a part of this dynamite, artistic movement you have crafted.

Tell ’em they my son, yup,

All of them (plural) are your son (singular)? Yeah, that’s not how the English language works.

gyal ’em a mi pickney

Oh that explains it, she’s not speaking English. I tried to decipher the above line for several minutes but I got this sharp rage headache so I moved on, eager for more insight on chimps and fried chicken=musical staples.

Anyway, burned Breadale’

I googled “Breadale” and got the following computer error message:

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU 

No really, I googled it and nothing came up. It’s not a word. Keep on influencing a generation Nicki!

What’s that? I know boyfriend Fatale

Oh, apparently “Breadale” really does mean nothing, it’s just a way for her to clumsily rhyme “Fatale”. Now, is that Fatale as in Femme-Fatale, or Fatale as in I-don’t-know-what-words-mean Fatale?

***that’s just the first freaking stanza! We haven’t even gotten to the actual song yet!***

Sniff, sniff, cries, I done slayed your whole entire f***ing life

Well that feels a little drastic. Of course, Apes are ruling the world so I guess there is no humanity ethical standard but still, that seems excessive. Use your words.

Oh oh, you got some Epsom Salt

I don’t think that’s going to fix the fact that you slayed them. That’s more for baths as a nice destressor. I think you are talking about Bath Salts: that junk turns you into a face-eating zombie.

I done balled all day you ain’t touched the court

Um, why are you crying, you did the killing? Are you in court for the manslaughter you committed 2 lines back? I feel like this is tantamount to a confession and can be used as the people’s evidence against you. Lawyered!

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What? What you tired? You need a break?

Please God yes!

You was hot when? Ricki Lake!

Are you saying that Ricki Lake is hot? This song makes no sense!!! You were hot when Ricki Lake what? I feel like there should be more to that thought. Pretty sure Ricki Lake is still alive, so…

[Britney Spears:]

And with the return of Britney Nicki’s ramblings stop. And there was rejoicing had by all.

I notice that you got it

I don’t know what IT is? Oh, you mean like an IT-girl. I’m with you, proceed.

You notice that I want it

You can’t have IT Peaches. IT’s mine and I love my IT.

You know that I can take it

That escalated quickly.

to the next level baby

Oh, I misunderstood, my apologies. Nicki’s got me all scared and flustered.

If you understood b**ch, this is the remix

Yeah, you said that at the beginning. No need for the name calling saucy-pants.

Baby let me blow your mind tonight

Pass.

[Nicki Minaj:]
It’s Britney b**ch, I’m Nicki Minaj and that’s Kesha!

Oh good lord, she’s back. Lock the door next time she leaves. Congratulations producers of this song, you just paid her a few grand to do the job of a basic name tag.

[Chorus: Ke$ha]
I Can’t Take It Take It Take No More

I know, this song has only been on for a minute and it’s already 30 seconds too long.

Never Felt Like Felt Like This Before

To be fair Ke$ha, I’m not totally confident you can remember what you did yesterday so this sentence loses credibility quickly.

C’mon Get Me Get Me On The Floor
DJ What You What You Waitin’ For…

If he’s not answering somebody please check on him. Minaj is slaying people.  

[Insert generic noises to fill time]

Woah oh oh oh oh oh woah oh oh oh…
Woah oh oh oh oh oh woah oh oh oh…

[Britney Spears:]
Watch Me Move When I Lose When I Lose It Hard

You just took IT from me and now you lost IT. Let’s get out priorities together.

Get You Off With The Touch Dancing In The Dark

Moving right past that…

You Notice What I’m Wearin’

Yeah, that’s pretty standard.

I’m Noticin’ You Starin’

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You Know That I Can Take It To The Next Level Baby

You just lost IT hard, now IT’s going to a new level?

Hotter Than The A-list
Next One On My Hit List

Seriously, is someone checking on the DJ? Can we get a proof of life photo?

Baby Let Me Blow Your Mind Tonight!

Again, pass.

From here on out it’s just repetition, but I had to listen to it so you have to read it:

[Chorus: Ke$ha]
I Can’t Take It Take It Take No More
Never Felt Like Felt Like This Before
C’mon Get Me Get Me On The Floor
DJ What You What You Waitin’ For…

Woah oh oh oh oh oh woah oh oh oh…
Woah oh oh oh oh oh woah oh oh oh…
Woah oh oh oh oh oh woah oh oh oh…
Woah oh oh oh oh oh woah oh oh oh…

No joke, this random chant goes on for like a solid minute.

[Bridge:]
See The Sunlight
We Ain’t Stoppin’
Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends

Well, the world’s being run by Apes so you guys might want to hurry up.

If You Feel It Let It Happen
Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends

All I can picture when I hear this line is Dennis Reynolds dancing at the Rave all strung out because someone gave him X. Thank you It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!

Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends
Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends

Woah oh oh oh oh oh woah oh oh oh…

See The Sunlight
We Ain’t Stoppin’
Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends
If You Feel It Let It Happen
Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends

Someone told me once that Nicki Minaj was the most creative and most talented rapper of this generation. If that person was in front of me right now

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At one point in the intro she actually sqwauked like a chicken. For real, listen to the song yourself:


This song is awful. I didn’t love (or hate) the original, but remixing it was a mistake friends! I can’t even begin to count the number of times it played on the radio because PEOPLE LIKED IT! Seriosly? The only conclusion I can come up with is that people didn’t look past the catchy melody to the actual words they were singing. That is the only acceptable explanation for singing a dance anthem about the Planet of the Apes. Remember good music? Remember the Rat Pack and The Temptations. Better yet, remember before auto tune and editing, those were happy times. Auto tune was a gift/curse to our generation where talent isn’t as important as a gimmick; anyone can be auto tuned into a singer. Don’t believe me, watch this and then you can apologize for doubting me:

And again, I have a whole list of other songs, which leads me to believe this is only the first of many installments. Please, give me your suggestions. Most-mockable lyrics, and go:

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This entry was published on October 16, 2013 at 7:31 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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